Just like old times . . .

Favorites emerge
In GOP primaries 

By David Bloviator
Political Editor 

FORT SUMTER, S.C. – In the state known for this storied monument to treason, the Republican primary race for the 2012 Presidential nomination has started to sort itself out, as the favorites begin to pull away from the also-rans.

The Republican Presidential debates in South Carolina have been lively affairs

Confounding once again the predictions of pundits, one of the early favorites in the GOP race has faltered badly, leaving the field to other, stronger contenders.

With the decision by Texas Gov. Rick “All Hat” Perry to abandon his bootless quest for the nomination, virtually all political wise heads including yours truly have declared that Stupidity is no longer in the running for the GOP nod.

This comes as a shock to many who had predicted that Stupidity would run the course right up to the convention, based on strong early performances by All Hat and prior to then the pinup girl for Stupidity, Sarah “Grandma” Palin.   Palin, despite her winningly oafish television appearances and bus tours, was not able to gain any political traction, possibly because the mere thought of her sitting at the desk at the Oval Office behind the red telephone was enough to cause even the most simple-minded Republicans to fill their sweatpants.

Although Stupidity has been written off as a contender in this year's Republican nominating race, the remaining contenders each have their strengths and weaknesses going into the all important Confederate primaries in South Carolina and Florida.

In recent days, Hypocrisy has surged on the on the shaft [Surely, back? – Ed.] of thrice-married horndog Newton Gingrich, who demanded the removal of a sitting President of the United States for a tawdry affair at the exact same moment that he was being blown in his Capitol office by the then hot young Congressional aide and good Catholic Girl Callista Rocket-Polisher (now known to Tiffany's as Mrs. Gingrich).

Hypocrisy thrusted harder and deeper when Gingrich excoriated a CNN reporter for raising questions about the account of Gingrich's second wronged spouse, Marianne, who told ABC News that the marshmallow-headed disgraced Speaker offered to stay married to her as long as he could bang Callista and anyone else he wanted. Gingrich called the media interest in his tomcatting “reprehensible,” which was similar to the invective he employed to arouse public interest in his effort to impeach Bill Clinton for doing pretty much the same thing.

But Gingrich's enthusiastic humping of Hypocrisy does not stop with his two-faced approach to philandering politicians. At the same time that he attacks Wilfred M. Romney for paying only 15% of his income in taxes due to the carried-interest loophole Wilfred and his fellow plutocrats drilled into the Internal Revenue Code, Gingrich proposes a tax plan that would reduce Romney's effective tax rate to zero.

With a performance like that, it's hard to see how Hypocrisy can be ousted as front-runner. But reliable GOP stand-bys are determined to try.

According to sagacious political analysts, like me, second place, as suggested by Gingrich's tax plan and Romney's returns, has been claimed decisively by Greed, a leading Republican player since the McKinley Administration. All the candidates seek to enshrine tax cuts that would cut taxes paid by millionaires like Romney (and for that matter Gingrich) while raising taxes on the poor and blowing huge holes in the budget. Combined with Republican proposals to destroy Medicare as a reliable source of comprehensive medical care for the elderly and to repeal Obama's efforts to offer a similar level of health care security to those under 65, the candidates' platforms are tailor-made to serve the interests of Greed.

While Hypocrisy and Greed have to be considered front-runners in the GOP race, others cannot be ruled out.  Coming up fast since New Hampshire has been that great Republican cause since the Nixon era: Racism. From Rick Santorum's claiming that he was referring to “blah people” on welfare, not “black people,” as clearly shown on the video, to Gingrich's doubling down on efforts to link black Presidents and citizens to welfare and food stamps, Racism has shown surprising resilience.

With Rick "All Hat" Perry out of the race, it's hard to see how Stupidity can recover

Gingrich's snarling retort to Schlox News token Juan Williams earned cheers from the Republican rednecks in the audience, once of whom later specifically commended Gingrich for putting Williams, an African-American with apparently an underdeveloped sense of shame, “in his place." Any primary in which voters are motivated by the desire to send an uppity nigra to the back of the bus, if not to a rope hanging from a tree on the courthouse lawn, has got to be considered a triumph for Racism.

Just behind Racism in the Republican field is its relative, Intolerance.  Intolerance looked like it was destined for great things in this election season when Rick Santorum rode his hatred of homosexuals to  a first-place tie in Iowa and Rick Perry was sent back across the Rio Grande for proposing that undocumented Texas teenagers seeking to improve their lot by going to college could quality for in-state tuition. However, All Hat's departure and Santorum's inability to capitalize on his repellent personality have led many to declare that Intolerance, although never a factor to be disregarded in any Republican field, has fallen from the first tier.

Similarly in the back of the pack but still representing the views of a substantial segment of the Republican base is the last GOP heavyweight, Batshit Crazy.  Batshit Crazy had a brief moment in the lead when Rep. Michele Bachmann (R – Zontar) won some Iowa “straw poll” but faded when she was unable to focus her optical sensors while getting messages from her controllers on  Remulac.  However, not at all a neo-Nazi Ron Paul is still holding up the banner of Batshit Crazy with his relentless campaign against the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the last two hundred years of economic knowledge.  

This sage's conclusion:  look for Greed and Hypocrisy to lead the Republican field all year long, but for the supporters of Stupidity, Racism, Intolerance, and Batshit Crazy, take heart: in the Republican Party, there's always next year.