Volume CCXXXIII, Number 34 June, 2003
Worcester, Massachusetts Since 1770
Jackpot Winner, 2003 William Bennett Award for Moral Rearmament
We'll drink to that!
NEW TOLLBOOTH
NAMED FOR WELD
Artist's conception of new William H. Weld Toll Booth, a fitting tribute to a leader at the bar [Surely, of the bar? – Ed.]
The magnificent new structure is expected to be completed in less than two years at a cost of less than $100,000,000 by the Cashman Construction Company, chosen after a nationwide search and the withdrawal of the twelve other bidders whose headquarters had all mysteriously burned to the ground. | ||||
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WEST NEWTON, Massachusetts – With the bulldozers and front-end loaders poised on the on- and off-ramps of Mass. Pike Exit 16, The Massachusetts Spy has learned exclusively that the two shiny new tollbooths being rebuilt here will be named after the man who pulled them out of the asphalt to begin with: Former Governor William "Party Hearty" Weld. While Governor Wilfred Romney and the Democratic Legislature are still fighting about naming the Central Artery Tunnel for the late Thomas P. "Tip" O'Neill, who got Uncle Sucker to build the thing, both agree that the new toll booths should be named for the hard-drinking [Surely, hard-working? – Ed.] former Governor and current New Yorker. "We never want to forget that it was Bill Weld who bankrupted our state for his own political advantage, and pulling out the West Newton tolls to grease his Senate race against John Kerry is just one example," explained Transportation Committee Coatholder Rep. Whiff "Stiff" O'Bribe (D–Old Sludgebury). The transparently political stunt availed Happy Hour Weld not, as Newton voted overwhelmingly to send Sen. Kerry to Washington and Gov. Weld to Mexico City. Removal of the tollbooths did contribute to massive traffic jams on Rte. 16 as commuters from Weston and Wellesley used the toll-free ramp to beat the one-dollar toll at Rte. 128 in Weston. "From a transportation perspective, it made no sense at all. The Turnpike is a toll road from Westfield to Weston, then free from West Newton to Newton Corner, and then a toll road from Newton Corner to Boston," explained Romney hanger-on Bob "the Genius" Pozen. "And I get on in Newton Corner anyway, so the toll won't bother me." The new toll booths will be built by the Cashman Construction Company. Company officials promise that the forthcoming incarceration of its chairman, Local 25 capo George Cashman, won't slow down the project. "We had planned to pad it out for two years anyway," said one Company official, who gave his name only as "Whitey." The Company had originally bid $1.5 million on the job, but has now revised its cost estimate to $98.5 million due to unforeseen problems at the work site. "It's right next to a great big highway. The state shoulda told us," "Whitey" explained.
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North of here . . .
Old man collapses
Old people collapse and die in New Hampshire every day, thanks to our thrifty no-Medicaid program. But this time, it was the Old Man of the Mountain, the rock formation in Franconia Notch that we had milked for tourist dollars and meals taxes for years. Fortunately, failed entrepreneur turned mouth-breathing governor Craig Benson has come up with a plan to save the Old Man without spending those taxpayer dollars that we throw around like manhole covers (Hey, you want kindergarten? Move to Taxachusetts!). Gov. Benson plans to mount a "lifelike" replica of the Old Man's famous profile where the rock formation once stood high over the Notch. To finance the high-quality restoration, Gov. Benson proposes to allow a "modest" amount of advertising on the replica. "This will allow New Hampshire to exploit the Old Man for commercial advantage without having to pay for it. It's just like sticking drivers from Maine and Massachusetts a dollar to drive the ten miles between the two states. It's a win-win-win, at least if you're from New Hampshire," explained New Hampshire's Number 1 Neanderthal. Reaction to the plan around our fair state was mostly favorable. Even the Manchester Union-Leader expressed approval. In an editorial today the fearless paper said: "We know what it's like to be buried by the wreckage of broken-down old people." For further information on what the New Hampshire Parks Department quite rightly calls breaking news, click here.
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