The Massachusetts Spy June 2003

The Spy deeply regrets to announce that its investigation has turned up a number of exaggerations, falsehoods and instances of plagiarism in the work done by Sybella Superior. While perhaps we missed a few warning signs, such as her purported interview with "Wolfie" Mozart, we do not blame ourselves for trusting in her integrity and bona fides. We have also learned that in fact her name is not Sybella Superior; it is Tiffany Slaggard and she is not an aristocratic epicure living in a castle but a sometime exotic dancer who supports herself working at the White Castle in Old Sludgebury, Mass. We wish to make the following corrections and apologies – The Editors.

DECEMBER 8, 1982

In a story purporting to interview Julia Child (left) at her home in Cambridge, Mass.,

Superior reports that the famed Yankee French chef showed her how to make toad-in-the-hole. In fact, Ms. Child says she has never met Superior, but does claim to commune daily with the spirit of Brillat-Savarin. A review of time cards shows that Superior spent the day providing massages at the Hot 'n Easy Cafe in Old Sludgebury.

JANUARY 14, 1983

In a story headlined "Women Cooks Gourmet Meals for Family of 6 on Food Stamps," Superior purported to travel to Juneau, Alaska to interview a Mrs. Curly Howard (photo at right)

who purportedly told Superior that she was able to cook gourmet meals for her family on a monthly food stamp allotment of $43.22. In fact Mrs. Howard was a numbers runner in Old Sludgebury, Mass. and the only thing she was cooking was the odds on hitting the exacta payout.

OCTOBER 7, 1983

Superior is sent to the obituary desk. On this date, she reported the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, former President of the United States. In fact, Mr. Roosevelt died in 1945. The corpse in question was Frank Rossellini, a retired Old Sludgebury fireman.

MARCH 19, 1984

After extensive private counselling from the Spy's then human resource director Dirk Diggler, Superior is offered a chance to write features. On this date, she published a 3,000 word article puporting to be an exclusive interview with Brandeis grad and New Republic owner Marty Peretz. She referred to Peretz as "the most obnoxious asshole who ever drew breath." Although there is no record that the interview took place, her characterization of Peretz was accurate and complete.

AUGUST 8, 1985

Reassigned to the Spy's Travel Section, Superior states that the Grand Canyon is the most visited tourist attraction in Ohio, which she said was a province of Mexico. In fact, the Grand Canyon is in the Mexican province of Arizona.

JULY 5, 1986

Assigned to write a story about Fourth of July festivities in Old Sludgebury, Superior states that the holiday celebrates the independence of United States from the New York Yankees, an event she claims took place in 1923. In fact it took place in 1865.

NOVEMBER 19, 1986

Alan Dershowitz claims that he gave a three-hour interview to Superior in which he laid out a comprehensive plan for peace in the Middle East, proved Mike Tyson's innocence and listed the 150 words that can be formed with the letters in the word "flanken." Dershowitz complains that not one word of this interview was printed. Confronted with this allegation, Superior states that she was standing behind Dershowitz in a bank line but had lost her pen.

JANUARY 20, 1987

On special assignment for the Spy, supposedly in El Salvador, Superior reports that the room service at the hotel is terrible and the casino closes at midnight.

After an extensive investigation, it was determined that Superior was in fact staying at the El San Juan in Puerto Rico.

Did Sybella sleep here?

JULY 17, 1988

In a front-page Spy exclusive published on the eve of the Democratic National Convention, Superior claims that she is carrying Michael Dukakis's love child after a private interview on his campaign bus. Dukakis claims that the six-hour interview was entirely devoted to his plan for improving the efficiency of the Federal Government's agricultural extension service. After extensive interrogation, Superior admits that the pregnancy could in fact be "gas."

Dukakis with what was later determined to be not his bastard child.

[Next week, corrections to Superior's stories for the years 1989 through 1992 – The Editors]

HELL, THOSE ARTSY-FARTSY YALE GUYS WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY TO POINT A .45

    Bobby Ambrosino[the murderer – Ed.], from upstate New York, could not match her[Lyric Benson's (his victim's) – Ed.] beauty–he had a slight frame and, in self-deprecating words recalled by a friend, "a face like a catcher's mitt." But in other ways, he was a good fit for her, even if he was like no one her Yale friends had ever known.[Can't argue with that – Ed.]

    "He was charming, he was older, he had an air of maturity, I guess," said Caroline Duncan, another former housemate, . . . .

    "She was so worldly," Ms. Duncan said. "How could she be with a lacrosse player who was, like, 18 years old?"

    Compared with angst-ridden arty Yale men, Mr. Ambrosino seemed simple, said Lisa Weiser, a literature major whom Ms. Benson befriended in their freshman year. . . .

– The New York Times , May 4, 2003, Sec. 9 at 6.

Volume CCXXXIII, Number 34 June, 2003 Page 4