Volume CCXXXIII, Number 35 July, 2003
Worcester, Massachusetts Since 1770
Holy rollers . . .
CATHOLIC CHURCH
OPENS NEW CASINO
At the exciting Casino at Holy Name Cathedral in Boston's South End, the 400 slot machines, 60 table games with limits up to $1,000 and high-stakes 24-hour Keno are sure to make worshippers shout "Jesus Christ!"
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The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has turned to casino gambling to forestall imminent financial ruin in the wake of their decades-long coverup of perverted priests. The Archdiocese, unable to squelch the thousands of lawsuits brought by good Catholics who had as children been subjected to anal and oral rape, has decided that it has a First Amendment right to offer not only bingo in church, but also slot machines, blackjack, roulette and craps. "As a religion, we have an absolute right to carry out our religious missions in any way we see fit. And we see fit to roll them bones," explained loyal Church hack and acting Bishop Richard Glennon. The new gambling facilities seem popular with Catholic and non-Catholic alike. Attendance at Sunday Mass has jumped from 300 to 2,000, now that the Keno jackpot is drawn right after Communion. Some long-time parishioners complain that the homily is drowned out by the ringing of slot machines, but others note that they haven't listened to that drivel in years. The acting archbishop showed off the impressive new gambling facilities. Valet parking is available at the main entrance, handled by the altar boys under the direction of Father Paul "Hep Cat" Shanley. The lads wear handsome leather vests and shorts and very little else. "We want to stick in a little style," Shanley explained, wearing a black T-shirt with the legend "Join the Butt Pack." In addition to the slots and table games, the new facilities boast top-flight entertainment in the Big Apse Room featuring top-name acts such as Siegfried & Roy and the Vienna Boys Choir. The ever-popular ex-Cardinal, Bernard Law, offers his piano and blues stylings in the Purgatory Lounge. "We want to create the finest gambling and religious experience in the world," Glennon explained. He mentioned that in addition to several exciting theme dining restaurants, the Holy Name Casino would be bringing in branches of well-known nightspots in other cities. He took this reporter on a tour of the basement, where shirtless construction workers were hammering away at what will soon be the first New England branch of the elite West Village after-hours club, the Ramrod.
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Armed and dangerous
Passengers cooling their heels at Boston's decrepit Logan Airport can rest easy now that the crack Troop F of the Massachusetts State Police have been issued enough killing power to take out thousands of passengers with just one pull of the trigger. Logan, still trying to live down its reputation as the most porous of all major airports, has armed its State Troopers with high-power military-issue machine guns, just in case al-Qaeda comes calling. The September 11 disaster revealed that Logan and Massport had fatally compromised security by placing it in the hands of a former gubanatorial driver and coatholder, while allowing Teamsters controlled by a loyal Republican shakedown artist to supervise vital access points. The solution to the corruption and cronyism plaguing the airport? Machine guns! The heavy weaponry is popular with the State Troopers, who fight terrorism in heavy leather boots that make it impossible to give chase to malefactors and straw hats that the U.S. Army discarded after 1918. "We're looking for anything that will give us more overtime," [Surely, security? – Ed.] explained Troop F Munitions Director Captain Jimmy Burke. "Let's say al-Qaeda attacks Terminal B with 100 armed men. With our old handguns, we'd be lucky to get 10 of 'em. Now we can take out the whole terminal without reloading!" Lest anyone fear that high-powered weaponry is being issued to ill-trained hack police, Captain Burke emphasized that each machine-gun-toting trooper has earned a Master's Degree in the Science of Machine Guns, taught by none other than Captain Burke himself at a specially-designed educational facility located on the grounds of Foxwoods Resort Casino. "My men undertook a grueling weekend of training, and certainly deserve the $20,000 extra pay per year for their advanced degrees. Even my guys can't lose that much at video poker!," chuckled Burke. The troopers themselves are enthusiastic about the new ordnance. "The only problem is with this extra weight, my back is beginning to hurt and I'll have to file for my disability pension much earlier than I had planned," said Sgt. James Burke, Jr. Although security professionals caution that machine guns are no substitute for a well-planned and managed security plan, passengers at Logan support the move to heavy weapons. "I think they're kind of hot," said Debbie Santini of Revere. "This shows that President Bush is really taking care of business," said George Cashman, waiting for his plane to Leavenworth, Kansas. Informed that Bush had nothing to do with the arms program, Cashman inquired, "How would you like to be whacked?" |
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