Volume CCXXXIII, Number 35 July, 2003 Page 2

Metro/Old Sludgebury

New towing scandal

CRIMINAL RECORD CHECK STUNS CITY

Freshly-towed cars carefully stored at Cerberus Towing awaiting retrieval by their rightful owners.

By John Connolly
Crime Reporter

The scandal-plagued city towing service was jolted once again yesterday by a new revelation about a recently-hired tow truck operator for Cerberus Towing. The firm has held the exclusive no-bid contract for towing in Old Sludgebury since the owner's brother-in-law was elected Mayor 28 years ago.

Sources close to the Old Sludgebury Police Department admitted that the rumors swirling around the results of the criminal record check on driver Jimmy Burke were true. "We've checked and double-checked but it's no mistake. Mr. Burke has no criminal record," admitted Chief Dizzy A. Billite.

Long-time City Hall observers admit that they can't recall a time when Cerberus Towing hired anyone who didn't have at least three felony convictions and license revocations in four states. "I don't know how this guy slipped through the net," said one.

The owner of Cerberus Towing, Billy O'Rourke, was at a loss to explain the shocking news. Interviewed while pouring a 55 gallon drum of waste oil down the bank of the Sludge River adjoining his impound lot, O'Rourke said, "We do a 100% criminal background check. We're very careful. If you don't have a proven record of violence and destruction, we're not interested."

Burke himself, pushing away a proffered CD changer that "fell out of the trunk" of a recently towed BMW 745i, attemptd to play down the shocking revelation. "It's no big deal," Burke shrugged. "Just because I haven't been convicted of any crimes yet doesn't mean I have no future in crime. Just the other day, I crossed Asbestos Avenue against the light."

But Old Sludgeburians are not shrugging off the news. At the Cerberus Towing office, a long line of owners sought to retrieve the remains of their vehicles towed for overtime parking along Main Street. Said one, who gave his name only as "Whitey," "It's a f*****-A f*** up. I can't f*****in' believe it. It's un-f******in'-believable."

THE CLOUDED COLOR-CODED CRYSTAL BALL

The failure of al Qaeda to launch terrorist attacks against the United States or its allies during the war in Iraq has bolstered a growing belief among U.S. intelligence agencies that 19 months of worldwide counterterrorism operations and arrests have nearly crippled the organization.

. . . . "It's no coincidence" that no operations were mounted, says Cofer Black, a long-time CIA terrorism official who now heads the State Department's counterterrorism office. "This was the big game for them–you put up or shut up and they have failed. It proves that the global war on terrorism has been effective, focused and has got these guys on the run."

In an interview, Black, who was in charge of the CIA's counterterrorism center before and in the immediate aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks, described the al Qaeda leadership's losses as "catastrophic" and says the broader network "has been unable to withstand the global onslaught" of counterterrorism operations.

Black also says the color-coded U.S. domestic alert system put in place by the Bush administration has helped to "complicate and defeat whatever planning has been in train and has put in serious question any plan in development."

– The Washington Post National Weekly Edition, May 12-18, 2003 at 14.

Another car owner, presented with a front left fender that had recently been attached to his Mercedes E500, was more philosophical. "Next thing you know, we'll find a building inspector that doesn't take a bribe."

Mayor and State Representative Whiff "Stiff" O'Bribe, reached at an important municipal conference in Ledyard, Connecticut, promised a full inquiry: "The citizens of Old Sludgebury have a right to expect the same standard in towing that applies to all services in our fair city. Come on, Daddy needs a boxcar."

He urged city residents to remain calm. "You have to remember that 19 of the 20 tow truck drivers in Old Sludgebury are dangerous felons, and most are chronic substance abusers as well. You shouldn't judge the entire rotten barrel by one good apple."