Volume CCXXXIII, Number
35 July, 2003
Page 3
Victory, at sea
WORLD RENOWNED COLUMNIST DAVID BLOVIATOR ON THE REBIRTH OF FREEDOM IN IRAQ
Back from the war-torn Middle East, Washington inside dopester David Bloviator, now reporting from his vantage point overlooing the Pentagon [Is he back at the bar of the Marriott Crystal City? – Ed.], recently gave the Spy the benefit of his fearless and independent analysis of developments in Iraq. | ||||
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TMS: David, what are Pentagon sources bull– uh, telling you now? DB: Pentagon sources tell me confidentially that the success of their efforts to rebuild Iraq and impose democracy are going better even than they had hoped. TMS: Well, they're telling everyone that. What about the continuing combat deaths of U.S. forces? DB: You obviously don't understand the geopolitical complexities of rebuilding a nation. Is the glass half empty or half full? Now, mine's half empty. What are you going to do about it, man? |
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TMS: Has the failure to find any evidence of weapons of mass destruction hurt the administration's credibility? DB: Of course not. Most Americans believe that we have found weapons of mass destruction or that Saddam deliberately destroyed them before the invasion or that he blew up the World Trade Center or that he has shaved off his mustache and started to campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination. So the administration feels quite confident that they have the trust of a well-informed and engaged electorate. TMS: What about U.S. credibility around the world? DB: Administration sources tell me confidentiality that the major powers of the world, such as Poland, Rumania and Costa Rica, are fully supportive. TMS: What about continuing strains with the Germans and the French? DB: You must be joking. Sources close to Don Rumsfeld ask whether the most powerful nation in the history of the world should worry about a bunch of chain-smoking cheese eaters who regard Jerry Lewis as a comedic genius. Speaking of cheese, can we get some more Doritos over here? While we're young? TMS: There seems to be considerable unrest in Iraq due to the slow pace of resumption of basic services and self-government. How is the Bush Administration responding? DB: They are deploying increased forces on all fronts: national television, local television and well-timed news leaks. For example, John Ashcroft has said he will increase by 50% his televised announcements of the arrest of some Arab guy. TMS: On Capitol Hill, some congressmen have alleged that the Administration nobbled intelligence data to buttress its case for going to war and have called for a complete independent investigation. Is the Administration worried about these criticisms? DB: Absolutely not. The Administration has every confidence that House and Senate Republicans will smother [Surely, conduct? – Ed.] a full and open secret inquiry. TMS: Army generals had said that the U.S. would need hundreds of thousands of troops to occupy Iraq. Why won't Rumsfeld send reinforcements? DB: Armchair generals don't understand the value of force projection multiplication doctrine– TMS: Excuse me, Mr. Bloviator, but the general I was referring to is the current Chief of Staff of the Army. DB: Well, he has an armchair, doesn't he? I rest my elbow. [Surely, case? – Ed.] TMS: So are his views totally without merit? DB: Sources close to the brilliant and magnetic Don Rumsfeld dismiss those statements as "old Army," which the U.S. can do without, like "old Europe." They also note that generals from new Europe, including some very impressive Polish and Bulgarian staff officers, are completely in accord with Defense Department views. TMS: Are you planning any further trips to Iraq to assess the situation on the ground? DB: My sources in the Pentagon tell me everything I need to know. And do you know how blasted hot it is in the desert? A man could die of thirst. Speaking of which, let's make this one a double, shall we? TMS: Thank you, Mr. Bloviator. | |
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