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        Volume CCXXXIII, Number 35        July, 2003              Page 4

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By Douglas MacArthur
Politico-Military Correspondent

President George Bush, still looking for a viceroy who can whip the prostrate carcass of Iraq into fighting trim, has gone well beyond the usual retread brasshats and bureaucrats. At a ceremony held in the White House, the President said that the job botched by Jerry Bremer and Jay Garner would be given to animated television star Bart Simpson.

Said a source close to the Bush Administration: "The President felt he needed to fake [Surely, take? – Ed.] decisive action to reassure the American people that the situation in Iraq is under control. This appointment shows that the President is not afraid to conceal [Surely, reveal? – Ed.] the facts about the rebuilding of Iraq."

While some questioned Simpson's qualifications for the difficult and demanding job of transforming Iraq into a showplace of democracy like Panama or El Salvador, other noted that the President feels a deep affinity for the plucky cartoon character. "The President has a high comfort level with Bart. Like Bart, when he was young and irresponsible, he was young and irresponsible," said Bush sock puppet Sen. William Frist (R–Medicare Fraud).

Others noted many remarkable similiarities between the 43rd President and the young TV star. Republican quote slut Billy Kristol said: "Both Bart and the President have a history of being misunderestimated. Both have risen to the pinnacle of success in their fields without any perceptible skill, talent, effort or intelligence. Both have been ridiculed for their supposed difficulties in public speaking, yet both are trusted and adored by the American people"

"Most important," Kristol filibustered, "they share the same view of the French. And of course, both are both crude cartoon cutouts animated by Rupert Murdoch."

Public reaction to the Simpson appointment was positive. Man on the street Gerald Smith, a Texas ammunition salesman, said "They are cool guys. Now that Bush found the weapons of mass destruction, Bart will do a great job of blowing them up." Informed that in fact the United States has not in fact found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Smith said: "D-oh!"

World's Easiest Photo Caption Contest!

Reaction among the gentler sex was equally positive. "He's just so cute," said freelance piercing artist Bonnie Parker, poking holes in her customers on Panama City Beach, Florida. Asked if she was referring to Bart or the President, Parker replied, "Well, they're both cute. I mean I like what George does with his lower lip although I liked it when Bart burnt down the nuclear power plant."

Democrats, desperately attempting to score cheap political points by harping on the continual combat deaths of American and British troops, had to admit that the President's choice was another brilliant PR stroke for the President. "Who do we have that can compete with Bart Simpson?" groused one Capital Hill Democrat. "Joe Lieberman?"

Not yet known are Simpson's plans to bring peace and prosperity to the shattered cities and oil fields of Iraq. At the press conference announcing his appointment, Simpson responded to all questions from the press with a cheery "Eat me, dude." A beaming Karl Rove, Bush political hatchet man and a strong proponent of the Simpson appointment, said quietly, "You'd never know he was reading from his talking points."