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        Volume CCXXXIII, Number 36        August, 2003              Page 2

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By Douglas MacArthur
Politico-Military Correspondent

With his splendid little war looking less splendid and not so little with every passing bullet [Surely, day? – Ed.], President George Bush and his mouthpieces have announced that they have found conclusive, irrefutable proof that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction ready to be driven from Baghdad to Brownsville, Texas had not four American divisions brought peace in Bush's time.

At an impromptu briefing held in the $12 million Pentagon press center, Defense Secretary Donald "Shorty" Rumsfeld produced the photograph above, which demonstrated to his satisfaction the existence of long-rumored Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

Rumsfeld then turned the briefing over to his deputy, Paul "the Genius" Wolfowitz, who explained that an interagency intelligence task force comprised of his sock puppets had determined that the photo bore all the signs of a mobile weapons of mass destruction delivery system or laboratory or something else, "possibly even worse," intoned the saturnine old-and-Cold Warrior.

Wolfowitz noted that any one of these rolling bombs, if detonated in a busy tunnel like New York's Lincoln Tunnel, could cause thousands of civilian casualties. Asked if he could then explain the Bush Administration's lamentable failure to finance U.S. homeland security, Rumsfeld interjected, "Send that man to Guantanamo. Just kidding."

At this point, credit to her race Condoleeza Rice said, "We're not impugning the patriotism of those who honestly doubt whether this proves that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction."

"At least until September 2004," added the brilliant National Security Adviser. What exactly constitutes evidence of this brilliance was not immediately on display at this briefing, although she appears to have a good grasp of the close connection between telling rich powerful men what they want to hear and clambering to the top of the greasy pole.

"I couldn't live with myself if I did not advise the President to leak [Surely, act? – Ed.] on this information," Rice added to the beaming approval of the wrinkly old xenophobes surrounding her.

Some Democrats and other traitors have questioned the probative value of the photograph. "It looks like a plain old RV parked somewhere in Arizona," said lily-livered Tom Daschle. Others caution that when it comes to being smeared by the Bush Administration, it pays to be cautious.

Thus far, the public appears to credit the Bush Administration with ridding the world of an imminent menace to the Republic. Said Detroit steamfitter Jimmy Burke: "I suppose we were supposed to wait until Canada fell into the grasp of Saddam Hussein and he sent his trailers of death across the Ambassador Bridge. Of course, all he'd blow up are a few hundred thousand crack dealers, if you catch my drift."

"If the President says that Saddam had nuclear weapons pointed at us, that's good enough for me," said Janielle Burke, 42, of Prescott, Arizona. Informed that the Bush Administration had never claimed that Saddam had nuclear weapons she said, "Gotta run. It's time for American Idol XXVII!"

Whether the recent revelations will shore up public support for the endless war in Iraq is not yet known. However, a source close to Vice President Dick Cheney's defibrillator told the Spy: "There's a lot of photos we haven't even created [Surely, released? – Ed.] yet."