Volume CCXXXIII, Number 38        October, 2003              Page 2

Metro/Old Sludgebury/Sports

CITY HOSTS BIKE
COURIER OLYMPICS;
DEATH TOLL MOUNTS


Victims of bike Olympics were treated and billed at Sludgebury Upcodecon Medical Center.

By Leopold N. Loeb
Extreme Sports Editor

    Old Sludgebury has played host this week to the Sixth Annual New England Bike Courier Olympics, and the excitement has been building, along with the casualty list.

    Over 200 sterling bike athletes have gathered in town to compete in exciting events like Pedestrian Bowling, Sidewalk Clearing and the crowd-pleasing Wrong-Way Marathon: 26.2 miles, all ridden the wrong way on local one-way streets.

    But the highlight of the competition had to be the Bike Courier Triathlon. Each competitor in this grueling contest must run down nine pedestrians, scrape the paint from 13 cars and then submit to five new piercings, one of which must be run through genitalia.


Human no. 8 in pedestrian bowling event is expected to make a full recovery.

    With all the high-spirited competition on city streets, local emergency rooms have been working overtime to patch up the unwitting participants: the pedestrians of Old Sludgebury. Mrs. Mary Burke, 87, of Old Sludgebury was knocked unconscious by 18 competitors in the Wrong-Way Marathon as she left Mass yesterday. She was taken by ambulance to Sludgebury Upcodecon Medical Center, where doctors billed [Surely, operated? – Ed.] for 18 hours to repair her two broken hips. Now in critical but stable condition in intensive care, she is expected to be able to walk again just in time for next year's Marathon. Explained one competitor, "The old bag was, like, in the way."

    But the marathoners could not compete with the Pedestrian Bowling contestants in terms of sheer carnage. This year's winner, Shiv Malone of Wellesley, succeeded in pushing Mrs. Yetta DiConcini, 82, into a moving car, which in turn bounced her into James Walter Burke, 77, killing them both instantly. "It was a perfect 7-10 split," Malone enthused.

    Yet the highlight of the event had to be the thrilling conclusion of the Triathlon. Last year's champion, Bomber Kantrowitz of Brookline, found himself in second place halfway through the third event, behind Slagger Cabot of Lincoln, who thrilled the crowd with her multiple navel piercings below which was tattooed: THIS WAY TO MY CROTCH.

EDITORIAL REPLY

[Editors' Note: In a recent editorial, the Spy called for the resignation of Old Sludgebury School Superintendent Wilfredo Garcia for failing to pass the state English competency exam for the 23rd time. Mr. Garcia's reply follows.]

By Wilfredo Garcia
Superintendent of Schools, Old Sludgebury

    Me much appreciate the Spy to give me the opportunity to defend myself against the unfair charges that mine English is not so good enough to be Superintendent of Escuelas of Old Sludgebury.

Garcia

    This is big lie. I spend many many years in your beautiful country and I speak beautiful, too. I work hard and my sisters and brothers and cousins they work hard too and they pay big money for green card and right to vote like real Americanos.

    Just because fail I stupid test that gringos use to discriminate against Hispanics just as me is no reason to lose my job. Everyone they understand what I say when I speak something. So no problem!

    Public schools is supposed to be for public and I am public. My brothers and sisters too. So Spy you need to take back the lyes you made on me or my cousins will mess you up real good. Print that don't!


    Cabot had picked up twelve points by adding twin rows of labial piercings, six per side. But Kantrowitz reached deep down inside and reamed an unprecedented 13 metal posts through his scrotum. As the crowd went wild, Kantrowitz's perforated sack ruptured, causing his testicles to hit the street and roll into a storm sewer. Exclaimed Cabot, after taking the traditional victor's bath in boiling hot latte, "I guess it was like bombs away."

    City officials, toting up the 678 dollars spent by spectators and the mile-long casualty list, pronounced the event an enormous success. "These kind of events put our city on the map. We can't wait until next year," said Mayor Whiff "Stiff" O'Bribe, who is also the owner of the Sludge Valley Messenger Service. Surely all Old Sludgeburians would raise their voices in support of the Mayor, except for the ones who are still on respirators.


OR MAYBE IT WAS THE THOUSANDS THAT BUSH TOLD IN THE LAST TWO YEARS

    "Because Saddam Hussein propagated thousands of lies over three decades, maybe people find it hard to trust the Coalition Provisional Authority," said Radhi Saeid Badir, an Iraqi who works for the authority as a media analyst and liaison.

– The Boston Glob, August 23, 2003 at A8.