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        Volume CCXXXIII, Number 38        October, 2003              Page 4

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Wasteful highway crying out for privatization

By Bobby Baker
Political Correspondent

The Bush Administration, eager to wean low-income "lucky duckys" from generations of unwarranted governmental largesse, has today announced that it will reduce wasteful government spending by selling the Interstate Highway System.

"We can no longer justify maintaining free roads for the small minority that use them on any given day," explained Vice President Dick Cheney from his high-security bunker in Palm Springs, California. "The American people elected us [They did? – Ed.] to shrink wasteful government spending."

The billions spent on the Interstate Highway System every year have been in the gunsights of the pro-growth anti-government wing of the Republican Party [What's the other wing? – Ed.] for some time. Explained ace anti-tax activist Grover Doughquest, "99% of Americans aren't driving on any one highway. Why should those 99% be taxed to benefit the 1% on the road, who may include welfare mothers and Negroes?"

Why is taxpayer money being spent on "interstate" highways on Hawaii, which shares no border with another state? Pro-growth Republicans want answers!

Administration insiders explain that they don't want to do away with all those roads. "The states can run them as toll roads, or they can be sold to private enterprise," Doughquest mused.

To jump start the privatization process, Interstate 95 has been sold, after a full, open and fair competitive bidding process, to Halliburton for $1. "The road's a mess," said Vice President and former Halliburton supremo Dick Cheney. "We were lucky that they were willing to take it off our hands." He said that Halliburton plans to spent "a whole lot of money" improving the road, for which it will charge a modest toll expected not to exceed $50.00 for the stretch from Boston to New York.

Cheney also announced that a consortium headed by legendary corporate empire-builder Ken Lay was raising the funds necessary to purchase Interstate 10, which runs from Florida to Los Angeles. "Lay brings a proven record of performance and public service," Cheney intoned.

 White House sources note that some roads may be worth more as staging areas for coal mining or clear cutting national forests. They cite lightly used expressways such as Interstate 15 in Idaho or Interstate 69 in West Virginia as prime candidates for the President's "Clear Roads" initiative. "It's a common-sense, pro-jobs, middle of the road, pro-environment, add fifth bullshit sound bite solution," read Cheney from his briefing notes.

In an unrelated development, the Bush Administration today asked Congress for $20 billion to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure.

"The evil Saddam spent his country's wealth on building hiding places for weapons of mass destruction, instead of spending money on roads and bridges," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

"What kind of twisted bizarre tyrant squanders his country's treasure on foreign invasions while critical domestic needs in his country remain unmet?" Rumsfeld asked himself.

"Am I talking about Saddam Hussein? You bet I am. Need I say more? No. Good-bye," said Rumsfeld before dismissing the Senate Armed Services Committee.