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        Volume CCXXXIII, Number 39        November, 2003              Page 2

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J.Lo campaigns in her old neighborhood

By Roscoe Arbuckle
Entertainment Editor
with reports from Maria Boroaroma in New York, David Bloviator in Iowa and Bobby Baker in Florida

Eager to star in the sequel to the triumph of the steroid-enhanced hominid in the California gubernatorial recall, celebrities are ready for their closeup in the new season of the hit reality show Real World: State House.

In New York, Iowa and Florida, a popular and well-loved celebrity is taking on an incumbent governor who has failed to heed the public's call for no taxes, good schools, high-paying jobs, and all-you-can-eat shrimp night every night.

New York: The original girl from the hood, Jennifer Lopez, has thrown her bling-bling into the ring-ring, kicking off her campaign to recall colorless incumbent Gov. George Pataki in her old Bronx neighborhood, Fort Apache. The early response on the streets of the Bronx has been one long shriek, perhaps of joy.

Said two local businesswomen taking a break from their sidewalk marketing program: "Man, with that big ol' booty she fly. Sure she could do the governor. So's could I." Informed that J.Lo. was seeking the governor's job, not seeking–[We catch the drift – Ed.] the duennas of West 168th Street said, "You wanna get high?"

Local political analysts rate her chances of unseating the long-serving but dullsville Pataki as excellent. "She's got strong appeal with both sexes, and of course she plays well to the many New Yorkers who would run over their mothers to get a glimpse of a celebrity," said veteran pol-chaser Mark Penn, who added, "And I could package her to accentuate her positives and cover up her negatives."

Ahead of the pack, Tom Arnold roots for votes in Iowa

Others disagree. The incumbent Pataki told one aide in Albany recently: "The bitch ain't so fine. She just a ho from the hood."

In a brief interview with the Spy conducted during one of the candidate's thrice-daily cocoa butter bastings, Ms. Lopez said that if she was elected governor, she would put on the biggest party that New York City had ever seen. Informed that the governor's office is located in the state's capital, Albany, she said: "They got any clubs up there? Cuz like I'm easily bored."

Des Moines: Tom Arnold's campaign to replace incumbent Iowa Governor Rufus T. Firefly has not yet ignited the grass roots to the same extent as J.Lo's effort in New York. Many Iowans remain confused over who the candidate. "Didn't he used to pitch for the Mets and Red Sox?" asked Henry Holstein of Iowa City. Eulalie Haffenreffer of Iowa Village guessed that he once had a television show with his brother.

But the optimism of the former star of The Stupids and The Tom Arnold Show remained on display as he drove his campaign RV from coast-to-coast. [Who wrote this story? Jayson Blair? That's not the name of the Governor of Iowa. And Iowa doesn't have coasts. – Copy Ed.][Shut up or we'll send you out there to factcheck – Ed.] Calling himself "The Midwest Arnold" and "The Prairie Terminator," Arnold has barnstormed the state, promising Iowans nachos and melted cheese on every TV table.

Iowa pundits confess that this race is too close to call. "On the one hand, he's stupid and bumptuous enough to succeed in politics," said Professor Harold Hill of the University of Iowa. "On the other hand, you'd be surprised how many folks around these parts remember Hudson Hawk."

Miami: Beloved television and movie star Flipper has left her retirement lagoon and, with a single flip of her aquiline nose, thrown her ring into a hat.

The sleek, handsome dolphin has been conducting a whistle-stop tour of Florida's coasts over the past weeks, capitalizing on her extensive repertoire of whistles, with a few chirps and squeaks thrown in.

Florida election watchers rate Flipper as a long snout to replace incumbent Gov. Jeb Bush, despite the edge she holds in appearance and likeability. "Who would you rather watch on television–a lumpy, vaguely simian middle-aged man or a handsome, smiling dolphin with great TV smarts?" asked political consultant Gloria Botoxia of Palmetto Bug Shores.

But many expect that Gov. Bush's ability to raise massive amounts of donations from his wealthy GOP base will prove decisive in the end. Commented Botoxia: "20,000,000 fish: that's a lot, even for Flipper."