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        Volume CCXXXIV, Number 41        January, 2004              Page 4

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News of the impending snowfall sent Old Sludgeburians to local packys to stock up so they could "weather the storm."

By Nollie Tangere (Yale '03)
City Staff

The Montreal Express is scheduled to arrive in Old Sludgebury later this week, and area residents have been feverishly preparing for a snowfall that experts forecast could dump anywhere from 2 to 200 inches on the Sludge River Valley.

The parking lot at DeBenedetto's Market was full by 11 a.m. as Old Sludgeburians hastened to prepare for the coming storm. One local resident, Mrs. Mary Burke of 32 Grafton Ave. explained that she needed to make sure that she had at least ten bags of Doritos Cool Ranch Tortilla Chips to control her diabetes. "And I've got a case of Diet Pepsi to prove it," she added.

Across town, the aisles were similarly clogged at Vito DeBenedetto's Low Price Market. Shoppers had stripped the aisles bare of necessities such as two-ply toilet paper, Double Stuf Oreos and kielbasa sticks. "Can't be caught short," exclaimed Mrs. Mary Reardon of 459 Shrewsbury St., as she wheeled a cart piled high with extra-soft Charmin and marshmallow fluff. "The grand-kids love it," she explained. She threw two cartons of Virginia Slims into her cart, saying that her grand-kids loved them too.

A quiet storm? SNOW PLOW OPERATORS CLAIM NEW GPS SYSTEM VIOLATES THEIR RIGHTS By Nollie Tangere City Staff The city's snowplow contractors are protesting a new city requirement that they install GPS tracking systems so that the city can determine where they are throughout their shifts. Burke The new tracking requirement follows the discovery that ten snowplow crews who had put in for 20 straight hours during the last big storm were in fact observed in the parking lot at the Dunkin' Donuts in the Sludge Valley Plaza for 14 of those hours. "That parking lot was very difficult to plow due to all of the drivers trying to get to the Dunkin' Donuts," explained Ed "Jimmy" Burke, President of Burke Contracting Services. "Everytime we cleared out the lot, someone drove in and we had to start all over again. Say, you want to go over to the Elks for a couple of pops?" The plow drivers say if the city won't back down, they will refuse to plow city streets and have scheduled a protest rally for Level 3 of the Foxwoods East Parking Garage as soon as the first flakes fall. The drivers have also invited representatives of the press to cover the rally and maybe take in a show.

In Sludgebury Falls, residents besieged Real DeBenedetto Brothers Supermarket, Not Affiliated With Those Scum Downtown. By noon, the store had completely sold out of bottled water purchased by shoppers apparently unaware that water from the Old Sludgebury Water District reaches the tap solely by force of gravity. Informed that there was no need to stock up on bottled water, Mrs. Mary O'Shaughnessy of 83 Paxton St. replied, "What are you, the water police?" God, these people are idiots. I can't believe that a graduate of Yale College is reduced to asking morons about–[Get on with the story, Nollie – Copy Ed.].

Local experts advise citizens to make sure that they have flashlights, fresh batteries, candles, dry food and vibrators [Yes, we are reading your copy, Nollie – Copy Ed.] Public Safety Director James T. Burke Jr., recuperating at his home in Fort Myers from a job-related injury incurred in 1967 said, "We urge the residents of Old Sludgebury not to panic. I know I won't."

At the Home Depot on West Sludgebury Bypass Road, locals emptied giant pallets of shovels, ice scrapers and rock salt. Billy Burke of 372 Sludgebury Farms Road said "Who would have guessed that it would snow in Old Sludgebury in the winter? I'm glad I got here in time."

But perhaps the busiest spot in the metro area was Burke's Liquor City. A line of cashiers could not keep pace with the purchasers of cold Bud, spiced rum, wine coolers and Bailey's Irish Cream. "And don't forget the Megabucks," remarked owner J.T. Burke III.

Sure enough, the next customer rested his elbows on his newly-purchased case of Bud Light and said, "Lemme have a dollar on each combination for the next Megabucks. That way I can't lose." And who cares? They're all a bunch of ignorant lushes anyway! Where's that LSAT application? [Sorry, Nollie, we'll see if we can get you that Colin Powell interview for tomorrow. In the meantime, did you do the plowing sidebar? – City Ed.]