Volume CCXXXIV, Number 42        February, 2004              Page 4

This month's installment of our ongoing media seminar demonstrates how big-name columnists can dig below the superficial to get at the hidden truths that lesser minds cannot begin to grasp.
Washington's sweetheart The well-coiffed columnist
Almost all of the press coverage of the Democratic presidential campaign has been worthless race calling ("Coming into the first turn, it's Dean, no it's Edwards, no, it's Kerry on the outside, Gephardt pulling up lame") or equally pointless inside dope about which dopes have been fired by whose wheezing campaign.
Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean

None of that for the New York Times's ace Washington columnist, the formidable Maureen Dowd. Faithful readers will recall that the Spy did its best to find her a hubby (see Spy No. 21), thus far without success.

But Ms. Dowd has been staying busy. Let's look at a recent gem during which she addressed the most important issue facing the American electorate in 2004. It's not record-breaking deficits, a bum economy, a bungled war against terrorism or tens of millions without health insurance. No, the number one problem troubling the polity is . . . well, we'll just let her tell you herself.

You'd think a column devoted to tearing Howard Dean a new one might actually begin with some reference to Howard Dean. Nope, Maureen first swerves left and deals George Bush a glancing blow. As old George is nothing if not well-groomed, Maureen then segues into her main line of attack.

Ugh, that's so low-rent. You can bet that Maureen's old boyfriends had tastefully decorated townhouses in Georgetown. Green shag carpeting – that's so Annandale.

By the way, Maureen, where did you grow up?

No matter what the subject, Maureen always has room for a cheap shot at Bill Clinton. Inquiring readers might ask at this point on what basis Maureen passes judgment on other people's marriages. Of course, it's a lot easier if you've never been married yourself.

Now we get down to the heart of the matter: Judith Steinberg doesn't wear shopping-mall sportswear, doesn't slather on the greasepaint and doesn't spend $250 every two weeks to get those split ends cut and blond highlights painted on.

And yet she has a husband. No wonder Maureen is p.o'd.

A shrub for a 50th birthday, Maureen asks incredulously. Perhaps Maureen thinks that a few carats might be a more fitting way to mark such a momentous occasion (or at least–see below–digital cable). Perhaps Maureen might wonder why so many high-maintenance women never marry, no matter how many Senators they boff.

It would have been even more interesting for Maureen Dowd to consider why a brain-dead Stepford wife is thought to be such an asset to a white man running for high office, but that would require her to challenge conventional Washington wisdom.

As for her stirring closing, it's open to two obnoxious interpretations. Is Dr. Howard Dean supposed to heal Dr. Judith S. Dean of the disease of leading an independent life? Or is Dr. Judith S. Dean supposed to use her womanly arts to tame the too-savage Dr. Howard? Either reading is insufferable.

It's time for the Democratic presidential candidates to face the unpleasant truth: Maureen won't let up until they persuade some presentable Washington gasbag to marry her. If only Strom Thurmond were still alive.


The New York Times
January 15, 2004
OP-ED COLUMNIST

The Doctor Is Out

 By MAUREEN DOWD

DES MOINES — Not satisfied with colonizing the Moon, scouting for Martians and civilizing Iraq, President Bush is lavishing more gazillions on another audaciously quixotic plan.

He wants to become the national yenta.

As Robert Pear and David Kirkpatrick wrote in The Times, administration officials are planning an extensive election-year initiative to please conservatives in a swivet over gay marriage; their social engineering scheme will try to shore up traditional marriage, offering training to couples in the interpersonal skills needed to achieve and sustain "healthy marriages."

Before Mr. Bush ventures into the inner cities to practice his conjugal noblesse oblige, perhaps he should beeline to a more rural spot — a split-level ranch house with green shag carpeting and Grateful Dead albums in Burlington, Vt.

The doctors Dean seem to be in need of some tips on togetherness and building a healthy political marriage, if that's not an oxymoron.

Even by the transcendentally wacky standard for political unions set by Bill and Hillary Clinton, the Deans have an unusual relationship.

She is a ghost in his political career. She has never even been to Iowa, and most reporters who have covered Howard Dean's quest here the last two years would not recognize her if she walked in the door, which she is not likely to do, since she prefers examining patients to being cross-examined by voters and reporters.

The first hard evidence most people had that Howard Dean was actually married came with a startling picture of his wife on the front page of Tuesday's Times, accompanying a Jodi Wilgoren profile.

In worn jeans and old sneakers, the shy and retiring Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean looked like a crunchy Vermont hippie, blithely uncoiffed, unadorned, unstyled and unconcerned about not being at her husband's side — the anti-Laura. You could easily imagine the din of Rush Limbaugh and Co. demonizing her as a counterculture fem-lib role model for the blue states.

While Elizabeth Edwards gazes up at John from the front row of his events here, while Jane Gephardt cheerfully endures her husband's "Dick and Jane" jokes, while Teresa Heinz Kerry jets around for "conversations" with caucusgoers — yesterday she was at the Moo Moo Cafe in Keokuk at the southernmost tip of the state — Judith Steinberg has shunned the role of helpmeet.

Many women cheered Judy Steinberg as a relief and a breakthrough. Why should she have to feign subservience in 2003, or compromise as Hillary Rodham and Teresa Heinz did when they took their husbands' names? But many political analysts said that just as the remote technocrat Michael Dukakis needed Kitty around to warm him up, the emotionally chilly Howard Dean could benefit from the presence of someone who could illuminate his softer side. So far he has generated a lot of heat but little warmth.

And at a moment when he's under attack by Democratic rivals for reinventing his political persona and shifting positions, he could use a character witness on the road to vouch for his core values.

The couple did pose for a spread in the new People magazine, where they revealed that he gave her a flowering shrub for her 50th birthday. "Being practical," he said, "I wanted something to plant in the back lawn."

Even some who admired Dr. Steinberg's desire to stay focused on her own life, healing the sick, still thought it odd that she would be so thoroughly disengaged from her husband's wild political ride, missing the thrilling moments and the poignant ones, like the repatriation ceremony of his brother's remains in Hawaii.

Since the frugal, no-frills couple does not subscribe to cable TV, she has not even seen much of the virtual campaign, and has to go into his Vermont campaign headquarters if she wants to watch a debate.

"What will she tell their grandkids?" wondered one political reporter here. "Yeah, Grandpa was once a front-runner for president with crowds all over America cheering him but I was too busy to go see it?"

It will be interesting to see, if her husband falters, whether the exigencies of politics will require her to make a house call on his campaign.

Physician, heal thy spouse. 

THEY PLAN TO CALL IT "MT. HUHINDUHTRAILUH"

TBILISI, Georgia (AP) - Arnold Schwarzenegger, who scaled to the top of California politics, could now get a mountain named after him in the former Soviet republic of Georgia. . . .

The mountain, in the Caucasus range, currently does not have a name; officials declined to disclose its size and precise location.[But it's a lot smaller than you might think. – Copy Ed.][That will do. – Ed.]

– AOL News, October 10, 2003.