Volume CCXXXIV, Number 43                    March, 2004

It was fun while it lasted. . .

HIGH COURT DECISION
DESTROYS INSTITUTION
OF MARRIAGE IN MASS.

The end of marriage in Massachusetts is expected to take its toll on the local economy.

By Scott V. Sandiford
Law Correspondent
with Alvin T. Fuller
State House Bureau Chief

BOSTON, Mass. –  The institution of marriage in Massachusetts died on Wednesday, February 4, ending a generally well-received 386-year run in the Commonwealth.

The cause of its sudden demise: the decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court that same sex couples were entitled to civil marriage, not just "civil union." As predicted by the many critics of that decision, the judgment promptly caused the destruction of the institution of marriage from Provincetown [It wasn't doing very well in P'town anyway – News Ed.][We do not need to go there – Ed.] to Pittsfield.

The immediate and utter collapse of the institution of marriage took many in the state by surprise, including the approximately 3 million married men and women who did not realize that their marriages had been annihilated until it was too late. "Gee, that's too bad," commented plumber Jimmy Burke of Old Sludgebury, Mass. "I was planning to take the wife to Florida for a vacation next month, but what's the point now?"

And so it came to pass that the judges on the hill looked down upon the men whose hearts cleaved to other men and the women whose hearts cleaved to other women and the judges said to the men and the women: "Go forth and marry, for marriage is an honorable estate, and go forth as husband and husband or as wife and wife and procreate with the baster of a turkey and so forth."

And the people gnashed their teeth and wailed and rent their garments and said: "For it is an abomination for man to be joined to man and for woman to be joined to woman because it is all too queer for us."

And King Wil-fred in his mighty palace built from a plethora of carried interests heard the lamentations and gnashing of the people and he was not insensible to them, for he knew that the people would voteth for him even though he did not ease their suffering the other 364 days of the year.

And so King Wil-fred, who did not hear the cries of those who were too poor to marry or those who were too ill to marry or those who were too simple to marry, said that man could marry only a woman, or, in Utah, many women, and that woman could only marry man. Thus he spake to the judges with a mighty sound bite and he plotted to break their staff, and exile the judges to the wilderness of Fall River.

And the judges would not relent and he called upon the judges mighty plagues. He called down upon the judges the dreaded plague of legislators, and still the judges did not relent. He called down upon the judges the plague of air polluted by rants of hate, and still the judges did not relent. He called down upon the judges the plague of the mighty Emperor Dub-Yah from his ranch of glory and still the judges did not relent.

And in the midst of all these plagues, the men whose hearts cleaved to men and the women whose hearts cleaved to women sought to marry and settle in the Plain of Jamaica or the Town of Province and they turned to King Wil-fred and they cried as one: "What an asshole you are!"

Next week in the Book of Moron: King Wil-fred calls down upon the judges the insipid plague of the Princess Keri.

Elderly married couples were especially hard-hit by the destruction of an institution that had loomed large in their lives before Pink Wednesday. Mrs. Mary Burke, 84, was on her way to her daily visit to her husband of 47 years at the local nursing home where he was recovering slowly from a series of debilitating illnesses when she heard news of the demise of marriage on her car radio. "I know he enjoys my visits, but now there's no point. I might as well go to Foxwoods," said the no-longer-Mrs. Burke.

"I told you that this decision would mean the end of marriage in Massachusetts," smirked Brian Canker of the Citizens for the Preservation of Marriage. "And I was right. Where are those liberals now? I hope they're happy."

Perhaps the state's liberals put down their white wine and skim lattés to applaud the destruction of the well-established legal estate, but many Bay Staters expressed concern. At Esmeralda's Wedding Palace in Old Sludgebury, brides-to-be burst into tears when they were told that their dream of a fairy-tale wedding would never happen. "I mean I have this dress and the bridesmaid's dresses and the shoes and the hall and the band and the invitations and now what am I supposed to do?" wailed Brittney Burke. "You can be damn sure that the judges of the state's Supreme Court will pry my engagement ring off of my cold dead hand," she vowed.

The impact on the state's economy was less clear. While some wedding-related businesses immediately pasted "going-out-of-business" signs in their windows, Provincetown's bed-and-breakfast inns were looking forward to a banner year. The state's retailers of flannel shirts, softball bats and dog-related paraphernalia also expected business to boom.

Perhaps no single institution in the state felt the death of marriage more profoundly than that tower of moral authority, the Archdiocese of Boston. The Archdiocese had long pressed to save marriage by denying it to same-sex couples, only to see the entire institution chucked into the catacombs of history. "I don't know what we'll do without marriages to celebrate," mused the Rev. Jack Emhoff of Our Reamer of Christians Church in Old Sludgebury. "In the meantime, I'll just roger a few more altar boys."

The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from CUBS (Colorado University Booster Society)

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