Mob crazed by thirst for gasoline besieges city

By Nollie Tangere (Yale '03)
City Staff

A terrible thirst for gasoline has taken hold in Old Sludgebury, as a result of soaring gas prices that are the highest in living memory.

"These prices are the highest I can remember," remarked James T. Burke, retired Old Sludgebury mayor. "I'm spending almost my entire disability check gasing up the old SUV for the trip to my fishing cabin."

City streets were clogged with desperate motorists searching for cheap gas and not finding it.  At Jimbo's Gas City on the North Sludgebury by-pass, Mrs. Viola Burke exclaimed:  "Do you believe how much it costs to fill up my Cadillac?  Forty bucks!  And the goddam theives at City Hall want me to pay higher taxes for schools?  I'm on a fixed income." Mrs. Burke was unable to provide examples of individuals on an elastic income. "That's a smartass question, young lady," she snapped.

High gas prices: it's the liberals' fault We all know who's to blame for the high gas prices that are choking the good citizens of Old Sludgebury: those same liberal whiners who wanted to place the world's oil supply under the thumb of that deranged madman, Saddam Hussein. Remember when Bubba Clinton was busily raising everyone's taxes with the help of John "JFK" Kerry? Remember how they increased the gas tax by almost 50%? How does that kick in the wallet feel now? Of course, pretty-boy John Kerry doesn't have to dig into his own pocket to gas up – not when his wife is worth a cool $200 mil. If those liberals had had their way, we'd be driving windup cars instead of the tall, wide, handsome GMC Suburban favored by yours truly. That's a vehicle that owns the road. But thanks to those limp-wristed latte-drinkers, it now takes me fifty large every time I pull up to the pump. And if that's not bad enough, the same Kerry-Dukakis tax and spend crowd wanted to tax you to build mass transit. Mass transit? Buddy, I got three tons of mass under my keister and that's enough mass for my transit. Just because Dukakis looked like a wiener in a tank doesn't mean the rest of us can't drive one!

Mrs. Vito DeBenedetto, 387 Hillside Ave., North Sludgebury, was so unstrung by the $1.89 gas she was pumping into her Dodge Durango V-12 SUV that she forgot to put out her cigarette before lighting another one.  "This is a goddam ripoff."  Asked who was responsible for the increase in gas prices to stratospheric levels, she snapped: " It's that damn Dukakis's fault."

Asked if the higher prices would compel her to drive less, she replied: "Are you f***in' kiddin' me? I got 50,000 wampum points waiting for me at Foxwoods." She added: "I tell you what though, the next time my lazy no-good sister-in-law Gina wants a ride to Foxwoods, she's going to pay me for the gas."

Although Old Sludgeburians seemed to be  shocked by the price of gasoline, in fact, according to Neil Dworkman, Assistant Professor of Economics at Yale University, gas prices are still relatively cheap. 

"If you look at the real price of gas, adjusted for inflation, gas is cheaper today than it was in 1973 or 1981," Prof. Dworkman said.  "It was nice to hear from you, Nollie.  Any chance you might want to come down to New Haven for Young Economists Conference?"  [What relevance is this to our story? – Ed.]

Told that it depended on how good his quotes were and asked to explain why gas prices were rising, Prof. Dworkman continued: "Americans are used to unlimited amounts of cheap gas.  They have bought gas-guzzling SUV's instead of fuel-efficient smaller cars, starved mass transit and done nothing to encourage energy conservation and the development of alternative sources of energy."

"In fact, Americans pay less for gas than the citizens of any other developed country. In Europe and Japan, gas costs over $5 per gallon, which subsidizes public transportation and a host of energy conservation projects."  [These are good quotes, Nollie.  Give the guy a break – Copy Ed.][He comes up to the bridge of my nose – M.T.].

But most Old Sludgburians aren't accepting any blame for the high prices.  "Gimme a  f***in' break, Nollie.  How the hell am I going to tow the boat down to the Cape without my Expedition?" asked Old Sludgebury fireman Dennis Burke.

"And anyway, you want me to drive some little s***box, Nollie?  Ever tried to f*** in  a Geo?  Get real. Are you coming by the firehouse after your shift? We've got our own gas pump out back. I can fill you up."