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        Volume CCXXXIV, Number 44                    April, 2004              

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Dear Rupert, cult founder (1985 photo)

By A.J. Liebling
Press Correspondent
with Nollie Tangere (Yale '03)
Correspondent

BOSTON, Mass. –  A bizarre cult of foreign weirdos, originally based in Australia and Hong Kong, has now invaded the Commonwealth.

The cult, which uses the code name "Wingo" has embarked on a campaign to torture and brainwash the newspaper readers of New England. Their principal weapon: a former tabloid newspaper now converted into a cult mouthpiece.

"I picked up a copy of the Record just like I do most mornings," said Old Sludgebury fireman Jimmy Burke. "As soon as I picked it up, I got a blinding headache. My head felt like it was going to explode."

Dear Wendi is reputed to be the brains of the cult

Knowledgeable observers believe that the Wingo cultists are using the venerable Record as an instrument of torture and mind control.

Cult experts explain that the Wingo cultists live in an alternate universe. They are said to regard George Bush as a "great leader" and a "war hero." "Such delusions are common among those who have been brainwashed by cults," explained Harvard Medical School Professor John Mack before leaving on a nine-galaxy tour.

According to researchers, the cult was founded in Australia in the 1950's by a shadowy leader known as Dear Rupert. It spread to Britain and the U.S. in the 1970's and 1980's, brainwashing thousands and wreaking untold misery on newspaper workers and readers alike.

After strong efforts by Western democracies, the cult was weakened in the 1990's. However Dear Rupe's consort and co-cult leader, Dear Wendi, has infused new energy into the cult. Observers note that a newly-influential figure at the Record, Dear Ken, has long been associated with both cult leaders.

The cult's chief instrument of torture is usually a newspaper, although it has branched into bizarre cable television "news" programs. "The cult works by stunning readers with bogus contests and screeching stories. Once the unfortunate victim has been overwhelmed by this farrago of nonsense, the cult implants their malign thoughts into the unsuspecting readers. Soon the poor gibbering idiots are calling into radio shows expressing the view that Dick Cheney is a brave wartime commander," Mack said.

Dear Ken, current leader

A random survey on the streets of Boston by the Spy found at least two dozen hapless souls clutching the Record with the glazed faraway stare of a Wingo cult victim. Each such individual interviewed displayed the results of the relentless brainwashing. "John Kerry is a traitor who skis with Osama ben Laden," said one. "John Kerry wants to tax doughnuts to pay for homosexual marriage orgies," said another.

The prognosis for these victims is uncertain, according to medical experts. "We've found that merely removing the brainwashing stimulus isn't enough," said one researcher. "We find that these victims need to read The New York Times from cover to cover for six weeks to regain their grasp on reality. However, most unfortunates cannot read more than one paragraph before they start yelling 'Wingo!.' It's really pathetic."