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        Volume CCXXXIV, Number 45                    May, 2004              

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Highly trained civilian contractor Ms. Penny Paine assists in interrogation of obviously guilty terrorist

By Douglas MacArthur
War Correspondent
with Hanna Rexia '05
reporting from New Haven

Not since I held a necktie party for General Yamashita in Manila back in '46 have I seen a violation of the laws of war as red hot as the party now being held by Rummy and the Desert Dominators at Abu Ghraib.

My good friend Rush "Clean and Sober" Limbaugh says that what happened to Iraqi detainees is no worse than a fraternity initiation. I say: Let's consecrate the vow of obedience!

But don't take my word for it! Listen up to my good friend Ret. Captain Douglas C. Niedermeyer, former Army Intelligence officer whose brilliant career was cut short in 1967 when he was unable to account for the whereabouts of 654 Viet Cong detainees under his command. Oops!

After many years in the "wilderness" of Rhodesia and Serbia, Captain Niedermeyer received his long-overdue reward when he was granted a $37,000,000 no-bid secret contract to oversee the interrogation of Iraqi scum at Abu Ghraib prison outside of Baghdad.

Niedermeyer told me that some of the allegedly improper techniques used at the prison were in fact intended to soften up the prisoners by improving their morale. "Who doesn't like getting naked and in a pile?" he asked impishly. Covering the faces of prisoners with panties liberated from knocked-up reservists was intended to tempt the detainees with the "scent of a woman." "And after six months in the Iraqi desert with no washing, you can bet they could practically taste her!" Captain Niedermeyer said.

According to Niedermeyer, the photograph which apparently shows former cashier and high school graduate Pvt. Lynndie England humiliating naked Iraqi prisoners was in fact a popular "short-arm inspection" contest. "All men, even unlawful combatants, are entitled to know who's packing and who's lacking. You should see what the winner got!" Niedermeyer said.

Embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has called on former press aide Tory Clarke to help "tame" an unruly press corps

Niedermeyer expressed surprise that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and President George W. Bush should have been surprised by the Iraqi prison snapshots. "Rumsfeld himself said that these vermin were not entitled to the protections of the Geneva Conventions. So guess what? They didn't get them!"

He believes that he still enjoys the full backing of the President. "The President didn't say he was upset because we wired up a few ragheads for fake 'electrocutions.' He just said he wished he had known there were pictures. Wait until he sees the videotape!"

Niedermeyer also contended that the measures used to "soften up" Iraqi detainees were milder than what his brave Commander-in-Chief had to endure at Yale. "Do you know they made George Bush lie down in a coffin surrounded by skulls and bones? Can you imagine if I tried that?" Niedermeyer asked incredulously.

Captain Niedermeyer took heart from the outpouring of support he and his unskilled toy soldiers have received from impartial and fair-minded commentators. He cited Rush "Oh, My Achin' Back" Limbaugh, who told the nation that it was "about people having a good time" and "blowing off some steam." [We actually factchecked this one. Click here. – Copy Ed.] "Amen to that," said Niedermeyer. "You try standing around for months in some boiling Iraqi prison with a bunch of greaseballs to break down for interrogation. Who wouldn't want to put a dog collar on 'em?"

Asked if he was worried about Congressional reaction to the disclosure of the torture of Iraqi prisoners, Niedermeyer scoffed. "These are the same guys who lapped up the weapons of mass destruction story, appropriated $200 billion with no control over how it was spent and allowed a handful of unqualified reactionaries to repeal the U.S. Constitution and the laws of war, and you expect me to raise the white flag? Do I look French to you?"

"The President has promised a full and thorough scapegoating of low-level untrained trailer trash and that's exactly what I intend to give him," Niedermeyer promised.

Reaction on the Yale campus to the prison-torture scandal was as usual incoherent, reports our Yale stringer Hanna Rexia '05. Yale Law School Dean-to-be Harold Hongju Koh (known in a previous life as a Reagan Administration functionary named Harold Koh) proclaimed: "The evidence we have so far would clearly give probable cause to see whether these grave breaches rise to the level of crimes against humanity." Yale Law students promised to research the novel international legal standard of "probable cause to see" (as distinguished from the criminal law standard commonly used outside of New Haven of "probable cause to believe" a crime has been committed) immmediately after the conclusion of their Ultimate Frisbee tournament.