"Don't misunderestimate the worst generation!"

BUSH OFFERS A MEMORIAL DAY TRIBUTE TO HIS FELLOW SLACKERS

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

In a stirring Memorial Day oration, President George W. Bush dedicated a memorial to the members of the baby-boom generation who, like Bush himself, avoided military service during Vietnam.

Under cloudless blue skies, the President paid tribute to what he called the "Worst Generation," whose insufferable arrogance and self-indulgence played no role whatsoever in America's pointless but bloody defeat in the Vietnam War.

The President told a crowd of drunk and stoned fiftysomethings collected outside the President's favorite Houston strip club: "The Vietnam years were a hard-drinking and tail-chasing good time in the life of our country. When it mattered most, an entire generation of Americans showed the finest hypocritical qualities of our nation by shirking military service in favor of booze and broads."

"I'll drink to that," exclaimed former President Bill Clinton, attending the gala event with his "publicist," Tiffany. Asked for her last name, the pride of Arkansas replied: "Smith! Yeah, that's it. Smith. Right, baby?"

"And years later," Bush continued after the interruption, "this same generation of shirkers and slackers has the temerity to send their groundskeepers' children to their deaths in the deserts and alleys of Iraq."

Bush noted that the hypocrites came from all walks of the upper class: "In all, more than 16 million Americans would avoid putting on the uniform of the soldier, the sailor, the airman, the Marine, the Coast Guardsman or the Merchant Marine, unless they could get a cushy billet in a National Guard unit guaranteed never to leave their hometown."

"Those who dodged the draft came from big-city penthouses and huge country ranches, from elite prep schools and a handful of public schools. They were an insufferable bunch so many years ago, and still are. The ranks were filled with men like Vice President Dick Cheney, who smears war heroes today even though he had 'other priorities' when it came his turn to serve. Looking back on it 35 years later, Dick Cheney said, 'I'm not against heroes. I just wasn't going to get my ass shot off when I could spending time brownosing my way to fame and fortune.'"

The President appeared to be choking back tears when he said: "These were the self-centered, entitled sons of a country in flames, and millions of us are very proud to call them President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, Senator and talk show host.  They gave the best years of their lives to beer and pussy, while the poor schmucks without wealth or connections faced the most extreme danger, which took some and spared others, for reasons only known to God. I was spared for reasons known to my dad."

After the thunderous applause and cheers quieted, President Bush launched into his moving peroration: "On this Memorial Day weekend, the graves of the Vietnam dead will be visited, and decorated with flowers and flags by the rabble they left behind. Yale men who fall off bicyles or choke on pretzels won't give those losers another thought as they go back to their Texas ranches and Aspen mini-mansions. America has utterly fogotten an entire generation of Americans who died in Vietnam. But they cannot forget the slackers, the ne'er-do-wells, the pampered and privileged who stayed home and cashed in big time. Truly, my entire generation of draft-dodgers has much to be thankful for, and I know all of you will join me in saying: 'God Bless America.'"