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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 46    June, 2004      

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Gov. Romney, shown here posing with his official Democratic Drag Queen reception committee, which will be permanently stationed directly in front of the national television cameras

By Alvin T. Fuller
State House Bureau Chief
with David Bloviator
National Political Correspondent

BOSTON, Mass. –  With the gracious hospitality that is his trademark, Massachusetts Governor Wilfred M. Romney (R – Utah) has assured Democrats of a very warm welcome this summer when they arrive in Boston for their National Convention. Romney, well aware that the eyes of the nation will be on Boston as the Democrats crown local hero John Kerry, is planning a full slate of special events to mark the joyous occasion.

To commemorate the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's rejection of his gay marraige ban, Romney plans to hold live nonstop gay and lesbian marriage ceremonies directly in front of the FleetCenter. To ensure security, no one will be allowed there except for the drag queens and gay couples, and the national television cameras. He promised that the "pro-family" demonstrators would be kept a respectful ten feet away from the happy couples, to ensure that their brand of hate-filled "Christian charity" does not interfere with the network feeds [Surely, proceedings? – Ed.]

Romney also plans to keep a low profile while the convention is in town. He promises to keep the legislature in session only long enough to consider restoring the death penalty in Massachusetts, cutting taxes and siphoning money away from public education. He rejected charges that the timing of his initiatives was politically motivated. "Those who criticize me are acting from base political motives," he retorted angrily. He pointed out that Brigham Young had administered the death penalty freely in Utah. "And look how peacful it is there now," he said.

nd so it came to pass in the land seven fat years and seven lean years and then a couple of years in the middle. nd the people once again brought their gold to the city on the hill and saw that the stacks of gold were piling up under the Golden Dome almost as high as King Wil-fred's bank account nd the people said to King Wil-fred let us take some of this gold and succor the poor and ease the plight of the widow and the orphan in our midst and cure the sick and raise up the fallen and bring knowledge to our children and perhaps even fill a pothole or two while we're at it. nd King Wil-fred, who heard the call of the angel Karl from the ranch of glory, was insensible to the plight of the poor and the widow and the orphan and the sick and the fallen and the children and those who had to drive themselves to work. And King Wil-fred cried out to the angel Karl: "Please deliver me from the city on the hill and let me ascend to the ranch of glory." And the angel Karl said, "What have you done for me lately?" nd so King Wil-fred said "Let us give the gold back in proportionate measure to those who paid it, so that the drawer of water shall get a sliver of gold but the holder of carried interests in LBO's shall get many talents of gold." And the angel Karl said that it was good. nd the people saw the suffering of the widow and the orphan and the sick and the fallen and the children and they saw King Wil-fred fall on bended knee to the angel Karl and they turned to King Wil-fred and they cried as one: "What an asshole you are!" Next week in the Book of Moron: King Wil-fred mentions to the angel Karl that he could command the five-sided castle across the river from the ranch of glory.

The Governor also plans to push for an income tax cut, claiming that the state has plenty of money. He did not explain how the state could afford to reduce the already-low tax burden, while properly funding public education, restoring mental and public health cuts and avoiding a threatened cut-off of state purchases of AIDS drugs for those who would die without them. When told that the Legislature would reject his tax cut as fiscally unsound, Romney only smiled and said, "We'll discuss it later in July."

The Governor announced that he was working hard on the security issues that accompany a major event such as the Democratic Convention. He promised that the State and Boston Police, whose allegiance he purchased (or at least rented) by backing extension of their "Quinn Bill" rights to big bucks for taking worthless college courses, would be ready to picket [Surely, protect? – Ed.] the conventioneers. "I expect that the Commonwealth's public security forces will be fully able to carry out their duties while exercising their First Amendment right to protest the Democrats' anti-gun, anti-family, anti-war agenda," Mitt smirked.

Romney did say, however, that despite his efforts, he would not be able to affect the federal security plan, which calls for shutting down the Central Artery, North Station commuter rail, and two T lines during the convention. "None of this would have happened had the Democrats accepted my offer to hold their convention in Miles Standish State Park in Plymouth," noted the venture capitalist turned governor.

But perhaps the greatest irony is that Romney, who is himself worth several hundred million dollars and successfully raised millions for his Utah Olympics, finds himself unable to assist the struggling host committee to raise the money needed to prevent the Convention from collapsing into a nationally-televised disaster. "If some of the Democrats want to earn a few bucks, they can do some yardwork for me," the affable Governor joked. "But I don't believe that the Governor of Massachusetts should involve himself in what is, after all, a partisan political event."

Asked about speculation that some of Romney's moves seem to be intended to burnish his national Republican credentials or even replace faltering Neanderthal Dick Cheney on the ticket, the Governor said that he only acted in the best interests of the Commonwealth. He then cut short his press conference, explaining that he didn't want to keep "Karl" waiting.