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Conserve this!
CHENEY TAKES
ON EDWARDS
By David Bloviator
Political Editor
SLAG MOUNTAIN, Penn. – If Vice President Dick Cheney is worried about Senator John Edwards' (D – Ambulance Chasers) supposed sex appeal, he's not showing any evidence of it on his tour of Republican strongholds deep in the Allegheny Mountains of Central Pennsylvania.
The plucky and well-medicated Veep told an enthusiastic crowd of 12 raccoon trappers and 300 Republican hacks airlifted directly from their boffo performance at the Coalition Provisional Authority: "If that little motherfucker tries to fuck with me, I'll fuck him up the ass!"
"Now I really feel better," the Vice President intoned. "Shut the fuck up and I'll give you the rest of my speech."
Cheney, showing no ill effects from his years of dosing by his personal performance-enhancing physician, Dr. Xanax Feelgood, whipped the crowd into a frenzy when he shouted: "We've got two words for John Kerry and John Edwards – Fuck you!"
The Vice President dismissed critics of the Administration's Iraq war policy as "little fuckers." He also accused Democratic Senators who opposed eternal extension of tax cuts principally benefiting Cheney and his fellow pill-poppers of acting like "sneaky little rat fucks."
White House officials admitted privately that Cheney's low-key campaign style worked best in rural and southern communities. After his swing through the Alleghenies, Cheney will spend two weeks reaching out to average Americans and the plutocrats who exploit them in the Anadarko Petroleum Basin in rural Oklahoma.
Cheney's performance on the stump was praised wildly by the Wall Street Journal's editorial page, who commended the Bush-Cheney ticket for fulfilling its promise to restore dignity and civility to American political life. The editorial concluded: "And any Democrat dickhead who doesn't agree can go fuck themselves."
Spy Correspondent Ann Colt .45 reports from Washington: Bush campaign eager beavers today lashed out at John Kerry because some entertainers at his recent New York fund-raiser made mildly dirty puns involving the President's last name.
Oh, that liberal media!
NY TIMES BARES
ITS LEFTY BIAS
By A.J. Liebling
Press Editor
For years one of the favorite hymns sung by the reactionary choir was the supposed liberal bias of the self-anointed Newspaper of Record, The New York Times.
After an exhaustive one-day Spy investigation, we have concluded that the Times is flagrantly and openly biased in favor of liberals and Democrats. To prove this beyond cavil, we've taken samples of biased Times reporting from a single day – Thursday, July 8, 2004 – and set them out in the left-hand column below. In the right column, we've rewritten the items to purge them of their liberal-lefty bias.
We were appalled by the Times's apparent substitution of snotty asides for trenchant analysis. You'd think that the Times was run by ex-Crimson editors. We know better and that's why we're at a loss to explain the pink frosting that Times editors have slathered over their news pages.
[OK, we get the setup – Ed.]
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Left-wing biased Times report
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How an objective reporter would write the story
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The estate where Mr. Edwards paid the ritual visit to his running mate includes a swimming pool, carriage house and colonial manse whose front is adorned with six white columns and a pair of stone lions flanking the entrance – not the ideal image for two Democratic millionaires beginning their campaigns as champions of ordinary Americans.
Some of Mr. Kerry's advisers joked about using a shack somewhere else on the 88-acre estate near Pittsburgh for a backdrop, but in the end they settled for a simpler solution.
They made the house disappear. When the two candidates emerged from it on Wednesday morning for their first joint photo opportunity, the press was penned off in a side lawn with a view of nothing but greenery, hills and two happy couples surrounded by beautiful children gambolling on the grass.
– John Tierney, p. A15.
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The two Senators had carefully chosen the site of their initial photo opportunity, posing their families against the green hills of Pittsburgh rather than the imposing Heinz estate that Sen. Kerry's wife had inherited from her first husband.
That kind of careful advance work will be needed during their campaign against a incumbent who poses as Texas ranchhand or Naval pilot, rather than the scion of an established and powerful American aristocracy with a mansion in Kennebunkport, Maine.
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What remains to be seen, however, is how well Mr. Edwards can integrate national security issues when he is away from his speechwriters, when there are no briefing books. When The New York Times was interviewing the Democratic hopefuls on foreign policy early this year, Mr. Edwards wasthe only one of the major candidates who did not sit down for a detailed discussion. He cited scheduling pressures.
– Carl Hulse and David E. Sanger, p. A14.
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Mr. Edwards, like Mr. Bush, has refused to grant the New York Times an interview. Therefore we cannot tell you how well either man can respond to our incisive questions on foreign and domestic matters.
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This spot is intended to send the message that Senator John Edwards was Senator John Kerry's second choice as a running mate. On Wednesday, Mr. McCain repeated his denial that Mr. Kerry had asked him to be his running mate. But people close to both men have said the subject came up between the two men even if the offer was never directly made. Viewers are likely to be well aware of this dance and should readily get the message the spot is trying to convey. But they are just as likely to be aware that Mr. McCain has had his differences with Mr. Bush and considers Mr. Kerry a friend.
– Jim Rutenberg, p. A14.
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This spot is intended to send the message that Senator John Edwards was Senator John Kerry's second choice as a running mate. On Wednesday, Mr. McCain repeated his denial that Mr. Kerry had asked him to be his running mate. But people close to both men have said the subject came up between the two men even if the offer was never directly made. The Bush campaign is counting on viewers' perception of this event as an offer and rejection. The Bush campaign is also counting on viewers not remembering that Mr. Bush himself had asked Mr. McCain to be his running mate in 2000. Mr. McCain declined, making Mr. Cheney in effect a second choice.
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There was little evidence on Main Street in this conservative city of 40,000 near Nashville that Mr. Kerry's choice would change minds or lure fence sitters to the Democrats.
– Elisabeth Rosenthal, p. A15.
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There was little evidence on Main Street in this conservative city of 40,000 near Nashville that Mr. Kerry's choice would change minds or lure fence sitters to the Democrats.
However, in the more moderate and racially-diverse sections of downtown Nashville . . .
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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 47 July, 2004
