Where Old Glory drew blood

It may look like a bleak brick wasteland, but Boston's City Hall Plaza is renowned as one of the world's greatest urban planning fiascos.

Forty years ago, Corrupt Mayor John Collins ordered Scollay Square – a popular entertainment district – razed, in favor of a windswept wasteland bordered by government buildings that shut down tight after 5 p.m. every day.

The plaza is more than a paved vacant lot; it's also, uh, dripping with historical significance, although no plaque marks the spot where a handful of South Boston thugs assaulted a black public servant with a flag during the white school busing riots of the 1970's.

Fortunately, the demagogues who inflamed white racists for cheap political gain have long since passed from the scene, except for former rock-thrower, now City Council President Jimmy Kelly.

You want a sign? Light a candle!

Road signs?  They're for faggots!

Some visitors might be tempted to rent a car to find their way around Boston.  No problem: all you need is mental telepathy!

Mitt Romney's crack Highway Department has bent over [Surely, bent over backwards? – Ed.] to assist travellers to Boston of all political persuasions.

By 2006, Mass. Highway expects to place road signs on intersections used by over 10,000 cars a day, like the B.U. Bridge. In the meantime, if you want to go to Fenway Park, go right, or you'll find yourself in Charlestown. Hey, we were born here; we know which way to go. By the way, the only sign posted – for the Museum of Fine Arts – points the wrong way.

One more thing: if you follow the airport signs for Boston into the Ted Williams Tunnel, don't expect to see any exits for Boston. Better get off in South Boston, or you'll end up . . . at the B.U. Bridge!

How to drive from Downtown to Back Bay

From One Post Office Square: R on Milk, R on Oliver, R on Franklin to Downtown Crossing; cross Washington up Bromfield, then L on Tremont, R on Boylston, R on Charles, L on Beacon, L on Dartmouth to Copley Square. (NB, only works for taxis; for private cars, can't get there from here)

Get out of town!

Fans of Massachusetts justice will thrill to some of the sights in Boston's suburbs. North of Boston is the permanently depressed port town of Salem, where those thought subversive to family values were ostracized as witches, persecuted and killed.  Thankfully, that doesn't happen anymore, except for gays wishing to marry!

South of Boston in the dull suburb of Dedham the visitor can approach a handsome granite building home to the most famous miscarriage of justice in Massachusetts history: the case of Sacco and Vanzetti.   In those days, we pretended that aliens had rights, then lynched them anyway.  It was all very confusing.  Thanks to George Bush and John Ashcroft, that's all been fixed!