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 Stylized Life Section
The longest week
It's only four days, but after being herded like horses, poked like beef cattle and shorn like sheep, it will seem like several eons to visitors to Boston. As a public service, the Spy provides this handy calendar to the can't-miss events of Boston's longest week, the Democratic National Convention.
By Bella Whiner with Alvin T. Fuller, Nollie Tangere '03 and Suzy Creamcheese
Spy staff writers
The Boston Police have promised the Democrats that their convention-week protests will be as peaceful as a recent march, pictured above.
The City of Boston and the Democratic Party are pulling out all the stops to make the conventioneers' week in Boston the longest of their lives, even before John Kerry's acceptance speech Thursday night. From incomprehensible highway signs (see Spy No. 46), to ham-handed security to rampaging off-duty police holding the city for ransom, Boston's got it all!
As a public service, we've sifted through the thousands of events screeching for your attention and selected a few that cry out, in some cases for attention, in others for remediation.
Half the people coming to Boston for the Convention aren't from New York City, but you'll never guess that if you try to eat out in Boston this week.
One good thing about Boston: dropping her name or even her drawers won't get you a table
Sunday night, they'll descend on two Times-touted eateries: Icarus, in the South End, which is actually prety good, and Great Bay, in the preposterous-looking Hotel Commonwealth in the gustatory desert of Kenmore Square. Watch them whine and grovel for that 9 p.m. reservation.
Tip for New Yorkers: If you're going to pull your usual trick of impersonating a celebrity to snatch that must-have dinner spot, here's some names to drop and some to avoid. Use: Theo Epstein, Bobby Orr or Whitey Bulger. Don't use: Nomar Garciaparra, Mitt Romney or your SoHo fave, Bobby DeNiro.
But the big event Sunday night is the Clinton tribute at the State Room, the successor to the bankrupt Bay Tower Room. Look for the beautiful people to swarm in. Of course, your idea of "beautiful" may be different from the Democrats': dumpy middle-aged real estate and venture capital moguls, accompanied by their creamy trophy wives, and their well-Botoxed ex'es staring daggers at them across the room. Look for Bill Clinton to broker a peace that should last as long as the Wye River Agreement.
The Convention opens today, but we're sure you'll be joining the Tour of a Building Materials Re-use Center, 100 Terrace Street in Boston's fashionable Roxbury district.
If you can spot this party animal Convention week in Boston, consider yourself lucky.
It's probably your best chance to run into local hero Michael Dukakis, who is being kept somewhat out of the limelight for his unforgiveable sin of not going off like Rambo when asked how he'd react if his wife was murdered.
Later that night, join the Democratic Governors as they rock the harbor on Rowe's Wharf. Nothing spells party like a Democratic Governor – just ask Gennifer Flowers. Maybe she'll be there.
Across the harbor, in a battle of the stiff parties, the Massachusetts Congressional Delegation will be infesting the Moakley Courthouse in South Boston. However, those expecting an evening of true South Boston hospitality will be disappointed: the locals will not be throwing rocks at Negro delegates bussed in to the event.
Not at either party, we bet: Ben Affleck, who'll be holding court in a private room at Saint, under the Copley Square Hotel. At least you thought that was Ben Affleck. Now you know that after a half-dozen Stoli shots, when you're on your knees in a dark party room, every Irish meatball in Boston looks like Ben. Wipe off your face, girl, and party on!
The big bash today: a tribute to the clean and sober Sen. Ted Kennedy at Symphony Hall, featuring Bono, Yo-yo Ma (or as we called him in North House, the Yo-meister) and a bevy of celebrities who will be told to keep their cakeholes shut and read the script.
Looking for Yo-yo? Our bet: no-no!
But if you're looking for Jessica Cutler (and who isn't?), you're more likely to find her at Senator John Breaux's (D - Oil) Caribbean Carnival at the New England Aquarium. Why is a retiring senator scooping up special interest money? Show up and find out!
Here's a tip: don't invite Bill O'Reilly and Al Franken to an exhibit entitled Deadly Honor: Dueling in America at Gore House (no, not Karenna's) in Waltham.
Stop by the Mary Baker Eddy Library, in the Christian Science Center to pass on a few words of wisdom for the next President. Prayer's fine but our medical advice for John Kerry: don't break the Prozacs in half. As for his opponent: Antabuse.
Ben Affleck watch: DNC Gala at Louis Boston (corner of Berkeley and Boylston). For those not in the know, Louis is one of Boston's few world-class clothing stores. We hear that the spa also does wonderful work with Nair. And if the freshly-depiled (?) Ben is there, can the dynamic duo pictured above be far behind?
The clubhouse turn for hard-partying Demos. Tonight's the Rock-the-Vote MTV-sponsored party at the Roxy.
And these are the people MTV wants to vote?
Look for Anna Nicole Fox Lehmann or whatever her name is (She's the less-whory-looking one pictured above. What's that? Need another clue?) and a whole bunch of dorky "journalists" failing to pass for twenty years younger. Good luck, fellas – better snag a long appointment at Louis. Should be a good party until John Kerry starts telling America how very, very, very, very happy and excited and enthused he really, really is to accept the Democratic nomination for President. Bonus fun: watch what Theresa Heinz Kerry does when poor little Jacob Edwards starts picking his nose.
Need a hangover cure? The Museum of Science is sponsoring an exhibit of a GreenFuel Bioreactor that generates energy from slime. Kind of like the Democratic Convention itself.
Or check out an exhibit by Germany's answer to Rodney Dangerfield, entitled Kai Althoff: Kein Respect, at the Institute for Contemporary Arts, Boylston at Hereford.
Show's over, Democrats. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. Probably a few hundred thousand DNC'ers will decide they might as well spend the weekend on the Vineyard with Ted and Mary. Watch the fun as they drive to Woods Hole demanding to get their M-wagen on the 6:45, the same weekend that all the monthly rentals turn over. Doesn't the Steamship Authority know how important they are? Yes, they do! Even more fun: watch their faces when they are directed to a dirt lot 15 miles back up the road in Cataumet.
How about a little meta-level irony before you go? Check out the Virtual Democracy Exhibition at Fort Points Artists Community, 300 Summer St. Funny, that's what we thought we had been watching since Bush v. Gore was decided. Ba-boom! [That's enough calendar – Ed.] Gotta run. You've been a great convention. Write if you get elected.
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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 48 August, 2004
