Volume
CCXXXIV, Number 48 August,
2004
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| That's Entertainment! VEGAS FLEABAG FOILS SINGER'S TERROR PLOTLAS VEGAS, Nevada – The patriotic proprietors of one of Las Vegas's most dismal fleabags – the Aladdin Hotel – struck a blow for freedom and other American values by rousting chanteuse Linda Ronstadt after she dared to express support for well-known terrorist and subversive Michael Moore.
Vegas's ultra-prestigious Aladdin Hotel gave pinko Linda Ronstadt a desert passage she won't soon forget Ronstadt, whose career had declined to the level of the Aladdin, had the temerity to call Moore a "great American patriot" and "someone who is spreading the truth," before performing the encore her audience demanded. She also encouraged the crowd at the aging toilet to see Fahrenheit 9/11. The lit-up T-shirt-clad goobers, having already lost the family farm and camper in the casino's slots, lost everything else and pelted the once-famous performer with the remains of their pu-pu platters. In response, casino goombahs threw Ronstadt out of her "luxury" suite and onto South Las Vegas Boulevard. Defenestrating Ronstadt for the crime of recommending Fahrenheit 9/11 is only the latest in a long line of patriotic endeavors on the part of the Aladdin Hotel's proprietors. In the late 1960's, the resort's then-owner, Parvin/Dohrmann, was so concerned about the measly salaries paid to justices of the United States Supreme Court that it volunteered to covertly supplement the one paid to then-Associate Justice and Johnson bagman Abe Fortas.
Ronstadt, shown here consorting with other shady characters known to be squishy-soft on terrorism Of course, in that case, an ungrateful nation accused Fortas of taking a bribe, forcing the acclaimed jurist to resign his seat in disgrace. The true-blue Aladdin had originally been built by a mobbed-up Chicago businessman, Albert Parvin, with money from the Teamster's Union pension funds, then under the thumb of great American Jimmy Hoffa. After Hoffa ended up under Giants Stadium, Parvin-Dohrmann stock was pumped and dumped, spiking to $141 per share before collapsing to $12.50, in a sterling example of free enterprise. The current management team, responsible for chucking Ronstadt into the street, has succeeded in running into bankruptcy one of the Strip's largest and best-located resort casinos in a time when Vegas is booming as never before. The new owners of the dump, Planet Hollywood International, Inc., having moved up from purveying burnt hamburgers to teenage tourists, have said that Ronstadt is welcome to return. Reaction to the venerable entertainer's misfortune was mixed. Commented music mogul David Geffen: "She was playing the Aladdin? I had no idea her career was in such trouble." |
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| WELL, BACK TO THE OLD DRAWING BOARD To fight corruption, Iraq has established a Board of Supreme Audit. Its chief, who had met with the international overseers and earned their respect, was recently assassinated. – The Times, July 16, 2004. |