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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 49    September, 2004      

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That's the prescription!

DR. BUSH: FOUR MORE YEARS WILL CURE ALL WOES

Dr. Bush pushes his Four More Years as good for whatever ails the body politic.

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

HOGSWALLOP, Ohio – Local farmers, holy rollers and bank presidents hitched up their SUV's and streamed in from miles around, specially invited and screened to hear from the miracle healer, Dr.George W. Bush.

Dr. Bush's medicine show pulled into this rural Ohio town to push the miracle nostrum that would cure all the ailments that beset the simple folk of the Midwest. And best of all, the cure is easy to swallow: it's Four More Years.

Dr. Bush has criscrossed rural Ohio, West Viriginia and Pennsylvania  for months now. As a result, his well-rehearsed spiel tripped and fell off his tongue easily at his medicine show held here in the parking lot of the Hogswallop Wal-Mart, formerly the town square.

"Are you tired and weary?  Worn down by fear and woes?  Are you dazed by incessant terror alerts?  My friends and fellow Americans, here's what you need: Four More Years," Dr. Bush told the flower of Silage County's white Christians.

"Yes, just one simple vote and you'll have Four More Years.  Magically, your troubles and taxes will be over.  You won't have to worry about losing your job or health insurance.  You'll never again dread the late-night knock of soldiers announcing the death of a loved one in Iraq.  Why?  Simple, ladies and gentlemen: Four More Years.  Trust me."

Dr. Bush, like the seasoned showman that he is, took planted questions from the crowd of well-wishers.  Mrs. Bessie Lynch of Hogswallop told Dr. Bush that she had been sore afflicted with doubt and weariness, after she was laid off when the lard-rendering plant moved to Bangladesh. But ever since she swallowed Dr. Bush's miracle potion, Mrs. Lynch told the great healer, she was completely cured and looked forward to the future with great hope.

Dr. Bush promptly replied: "Amen. Friends, you can't buy testimony like that," as his shills worked the crowd, offering repeal of the anti-hog waste regulations to anyone who would attest to the healing powers of Four More Years.

Then the medicine man turned serious. He warned the crowd that anyone who did not buy his miracle drug would suffer terrifying attacks.  According to the doctor, the unfortunate one would be surrounded by men marrying men and women marrying women.  Eventually, the hapless soul would develop insatiable cravings for snails broiled in garlic butter and unfiltered cigarettes.

Smoothly turning to a covered easel by his side, Dr. Bush warned the faint of heart that he was about to show a picture of a wretch who didn't swallow the doctor's nostrum. Women fainted as the travelling medico opened the curtain to reveal a picture of a short, swarthy man of Mediterranean appearance whom Dr. Bush called a "Massachusetts liberal."

After great applause from the assembled marks, the swaggering healer loaded up his 747 and headed toward another show in nearby Slag City, West Virigina.  Reaction from the simple country folk of Hogswallop was generally favorable.  "I was weighed down by worry about my son serving in Iraq," said Mrs. Fergus Forrest.  "But with Four More Years, I've got nothing to fear!"

Others noted that while they felt much better during the country doctor's energetic presentation, an hour after he left, they felt their old ills return.  "I still don't have a job," said Edgar Quantrill.  "But I might as well take a second dose of Dr. Bush." A few thought they remembered that Dr. Bush had promised to cure them four years ago. And one troublemaker, who asked that his name not be used to protect him from a tar-and-feathering, said: "You know, I don't think that guy is a doctor at all. I think he's just pretending."