The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXIV, Number 49    September, 2004      

Ass attack . . .

ISRAEL FACES A
NEW INVASION

madonna shockelling at the western wall
Madonna brought her very personal style of religious expression to the Western Wall on the holiest day of the Jewish year

By Geoffrey Dawson
Foreign Editor with
Roscoe Arbuckle
Entertainment Editor

The beleaguered State of Israel, beset by hostile neighbors and Palestinian terrorism, now faces a frightening new attack.

According to Reuters, over 2,000 American skanks, led by aging slagger Madonna DeCicksa, plan to invade Israel during the holiest season of the Jewish calendar: the week between Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur.

Despite spending billions of dollars on advanced weaponry and a fortified separation wall, Israel appeared to have no credible defense against Madonna's slag force, armed with platinum credit cards and legions of publicists, handlers and waxers.  As a result, Israelis are once again on alert.

The elderly chanteuse insists her assault is peaceful, claiming that she is invading Israel out of respect for the Jewish people, whom she described as "awesome."  "They have so much like mystical Kabbalah stuff that fills me full of cosmic energy," she told the Spy.  "And I have to stay full of it."  Madonna stated that she intended to tattoo the v'havtah prayer on her inner thigh, replacing the current legend: "Over 10,000 served."  

marla maples enjoying an intense cabalistic moment
Aging ex-celebrity Marla Maples was reportedly "ecstatic" to be in the Holy Land, where someone might think she was still famous

Her second-in-command, fading golddigger Marla Maples, echoed her sentiments.  "The thing about this Kabbalah thing is that it really helps me get self-centered!" she exclaimed.

As Madonna's forces advanced down the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem highway in their armored limousines, the former pop star claimed that the natives were friendly. "Lots of those old guys with the beards and funky black outfits said we were curvy.  I like that."

Reached for comment, the ultra-Orthodox Rokthrower Rebbe scoffed.  "We didn't say they were curvy.  We said they were kurveh."  He said he'd be glad to explain the difference to Madonna.

According to her Chief of Publicity Staff Shelly Vorschlagger, Madonna is offended by criticism that her interest in Kabbalah is nothing more than a desperate attempt to obtain cheap publicity for the superannuated "star" of Swept Away.  "My client Madonna has had a great interest in the teachings of the Jewish people for many years," Vorschlager said.  "Some of her favorite lawyers, agents and beards are Jewish." Asked how many of the 613 commandments Madonna had violated since arriving in Israel, Vorschlagger threatened to run over a Spy reporter with her Mercedes M-wagen.

Israelis, realizing that they have no credible deterrent against an army of aging American slappers, have adopted a "rope-a-dope" defense.  "I suppose her money is as good as anyone else's," shrugged a Jerusalem plastic surgeon.

Israeli government spokesman William Safire would say no more than, "We've seen worse."

Not to be outdone, Palestinian Authority spokesman Qil al-Jewz said that Yassir Arafat extended a warm welcome to Madonna to visit the irrelevant "strongman" in his Ramallah rubble pile.  "Chairman Arafat says he thinks Madonna is hot," al-Jewz reported, proving once again how out of touch Arafat is.

BLACK.  BLACK.  BLACK.  BLACK.  BLACK. BLACK. BLACK.

A black minister who was stopped and handcuffed by police last month broadly matched a resident's description of a suspect accused of attempted car theft, Milton Police Chief Kevin J. Mearn said yesterday . . . .

"The reverend happened to, unfortunately, match along the lines of the suspect they were looking for at the time," said Mearn.

He said that like the suspect, Brome was walking, not running, when police encountered him.  "He fit on seven points of a description given by someone who was watching their vehicle being broken into," Mearn said.

– The Glob, August 17, 2004 at B3.