Latest Dispatches from the War Fronts:

OUR BRAVE POLISH ALLY QUITS IRAQ

By Douglas MacArthur
War Correspondent

Less than a week after War President George W. Bush attacked John Kerry for neglecting the combat contributions of our brave Polish ally, the already faltering war was dealt a potentially lethal blow by the news that the Polish Army intended to go home to fight another day.

Polish Prime Minster Casimir Polishman [Check name – Copy Ed.] told his fellow Polanders:  "Our forces achieved a great victory in Iraq, George Bush tells me. He also says 'Mission Accomplished.' I ask myself, if mission accomplished, what is Polish Army doing in Iraq? So I bring them home!"

The withdrawal of Polish forces, hard on the heels of the withdrawal of their Spanish, Honduran and Norwegian compatriots, represents a crushing blow to already-beleaguered coalition forces in Iraq.

Military experts doubt that the American-led effort can survive the sudden desertion of the mighty Polish Army.  "This is the worst setback for the allies since Belgium surrendered to the Germans in 1940, dooming the British and French armies in Flanders," commented world-famous military thinker William Westmoreland.

"We have to remember that today's Polish Army is the same institution that held off the Wehrmacht for at least three weeks in September 1939," Westmoreland added.

Gen. John Abizaid, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, now must struggle to fill the yawning gap in Coalition lines caused by the withdrawal of the Polish Army.  "We'll probably send a couple of guys down there with some trucks," the General mused.  "Or two divisions of Iraqi Army troops.  I haven't decided yet."

Gen. Casimir Pulaski Szkivai, commander of the Polish Army in Iraq, declared today:  "Our work here is done. Iraq is paradise. We hate to leave but we are needed back in Poland."

The Iraqis had apparently been won over by the kindness and martial spirit of the Polish troops. "They had the best ham and vodka I ever had. It was awesome," said local shopkeeper Bomal Jiais.

But back in the U.S. of A., election observers fear that Bush may suffer a political backlash from the catastrophic defection of our plucky Polish ally. Brain-dead blurb slut and CNN loudmouth William Schneider said: "George Bush will have to contend with the withdrawal of Polish forces. Fortunately, he's managed to get away with lying about weapons of mass destruction and links between al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, so I don't expect he'll have a problem pulling the wool over our eyes again. Certainly not as long as goons like me uncritically parrot whatever we are spoon fed by the administration."

The man in the street reacted with shock and awe at the news of the Polish withdrawal.  "Holy s**t," exclaimed Jimmy Burski of Old Sludgebury, Mass.  "Now our boys in Iraq are really f***ed!"   Told that the Bush Administration regarded the Poles' departure as a sign that we are succeeding in Iraq, Burski replied, "Oh, that's all right then.  You had me scared for a minute there.  But if George Bush says everything is fine, then who are you to be asking nosy questions?  Does John Ashcroft know about this?"