Sox Wrap Up Another Disappointing Year
 

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Volume CCI October 4, 1971 Worcester, Massachusetts 25 cents (due to inflation)

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NIXON HAILS ELECTION OF
   THIEU AS "TURNING POINT"
Blames Critics for Undermining War Effort; Cites    Steady Progress Despite Outbreaks of Violence

Nixon henchmen Patrick Buchanan (l.) and William Safire (r.) said that Democrats who criticized the unopposed re-election of Thieu as a "sham" were giving aid and comfort to the Communists.

Young and Affluent  Increasingly Turning
  to Use of Cocaine

By Diana Oughton
Youth Editor

HOUSTON, Texas – America's well-heeled young hipsters have graduated from marijuana and LSD to a new, more vibrant high: cocaine.

The natural drug, imported from South America, is said to give users the sensation of flying.  However, scientists warn that repeated use of the drug can cause users to ignore their responsibilities, become fidgety and unreliable and require extensive dental work.

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

President Richard M. Nixon today hailed the re-election of South Vietnam President Nguyen Van Thieu as a "another sign of progress and democracy in Vietnam," notwithstanding complaints that Thieu had rigged the election to run unopposed.

Nixon dismissed such critics as "more nattering nabobs of negativism who advance Communism by tearing down a loyal ally."

While Nixon tried to stay on the "high road" as befits his office, his staffers took the gloves off.  Special Assistant Hatchet Man Patrick Buchanan called Democratic critics "typical New York cynics seeking to transplant their alien beliefs on two Christian nations."

Deputy Mouthpiece William Safire warned Democratic doves like Senators George McGovern and Edmund Muskie "not to crawl to the White House over the bloody bodies of American troops whom they abandoned on the field of battle."

Democrats charged that the Nixon flunkies were attempting to stifle legitimate dissent over the continuation of a war that remains bogged down in not one but three nations.

But junior White House henchman Donny Rumsfeld was unrepentant: "Do Democratic doves hurt our troops?  You bet.  Would any decent loyal American say anything that harms our boys?  Nope.  Do I think the voters will swallow this drek in 1972?  They always have."