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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 52    November 1, 2004 

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Good news and bad news:

RED SOX WIN;
UNIVERSE ENDS

By Sisyphus
Baseball Editor
with additional reporting by Nolli Tangere '03 in Old Sludgebury
and Maria Boroaroma in the South Bronx

After 86 years of heartbreaking futility, the Boston Red Sox completed their miraculous journey to a World Championship by sweeping their 1946 and 1967 tormentors, the St. Louis Cardinals, in four straight games.

When the cacophony of joy in Red Sox Nation reached the ears of the Almighty on his Throne of Glory, the Immortal One responded as expected: he called the hosts of heaven and earth to bring the universe to an end. According to sources close to Yahweh, the Red Sox triumph represented such a perversion of the natural order that God had no choice.

In a statement issued by heavenly spokesman Bill "Spaceman" Lee, the Lord stated: "Let me congratulate the Boston Red Sox on their miraculous victory in the World Series after trailing the Yankees three games to none. As a result, however, I am declaring this universe to be null and void with effect from November 1, 2004. Perhaps I'll try again in the late spring."

News of the imminent collapse of the universe and the plunging of all life on earth into a black formless void failed to dampened the enthusiasm of ecstatic Red Sox fans.  "This is f*****' wicked awesome," screamed Jimmy Burke of Old Sludgebury, Mass. as he set fire to his own fire engine.  "I only wish my grandfather, Jim Burke, and great-grandfather, James T. Burke could have lived to see the day."

Asked for his response to the forthcoming apocalypse, Burke said, "Good.  Then the Yankees won't have a chance to redeem themselves."

Other Sox fans seemed to take the blotting out of all life on earth in stride.  The Spy's own ace columnist, Shill Shamelessly, recovering in a St. Louis hospital from injuries incurred when he tipped a keg of Bud Light onto his own foot, said: "I told you that the Curse stuff was a crock of B.S."

Shamelessly said that the Red Sox were an unstoppable juggernaut masterfully constructed by John Henry and his team of baseball geniuses, and asked if there was any corned beef left over from the victory buffet.

Of course, New York fans reacted coolly to the triumph of their adversaries.  A street vendor outside Yankee Stadium who gave his name only as "Pipe" told the Spy: "Hey you want the f***** bottle or not?  I ain’t got all day." Asked for his reaction to the end of the world, the enterprising merchant replied: "Then you won't be needin' that f***** Prada bag, bitch. Hand it over."

The Red Sox front office announced that, on the off chance mankind was not plunged into an eternal black hole, fans could expect modest increases in Fenway prices next year. The new prices include: grandstand seat, $250, Fenway Frank, $20 and beer-flavored water, $50. Owner John Henry did promise fans that gawking at former movie star Ben Affleck and his bimbo du jour will remain free.