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Volume CCXXXIV, Number 57    December 1, 2004 

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The Spy interview:

David Bloviator: nation
is resilient, optimistic and
thirsty – for leadership

Now that election fever has cooled, the Spy is honored to bring you this exclusive interview with veteran political prognosticator and sage David Bloviator, who spoke to us from his vantage point at the National Press Club Bar in Washington, D.C.

TMS: With the election over how would you describe the mood of the nation?

DB:  The nation remains divided, yet its underlying unity is rock-solid.  The people are crying out for bipartisan leadership in this time of crisis.

TMS:  If 51% of the voters chose one candidate and 48% chose the other, how can you say people want bipartisan leadership?

DB:  Dammit, man, you have to get out of Washington, D.C. and take the pulse of the American people. I attended the conference of the National Oil Drillers Association last week in Tyson's Corner, Virginia, and they cried out for a unified approach to drilling for oil in our national wildernesses.  Speaking of crying out, to whom do I have to cry out to get a Chivas around here?

TMS:  What can we expect from George Bush in his second term?

DB:  In their second terms, Presidents are concerned about their legacy.  He will want to place his stamp. 

TMS:  On what will he want to place his stamp?

DB:  He will want to place his stamp on history.  History is stamped by Presidents and other great men.  Or he could choose to leave his mark on history rather than his stamp.  It's his choice.

TMS:  Is that like the mark that a dog leaves on the curb?

DB:  Of course not.  It means bold leadership.  It means grabbing the bull by the horns.  It means kicking ass and taking names.

TMS:  Does it mean he will abandon his pandering to reactionaries, the pointless effusion of blood in Iraq and his demolition of the fiscal integrity of the United States Government?

DB:  Haven't you been listening to the people, man?  The American people want to put values on the national agenda.

TMS:  How does his plan to pile on trillions of dollars of debt to privatize Social Security advance a values agenda?

DB:  It is a key plank of his vision of an ownership society.  Speaking of which, can I own another double, toute suite?

TMS:  What do you make of the Cabinet shakeup?

DB:  George Bush wants to place his stamp on the Cabinet –

TMS:  Is that the same stamp he uses for history or a different one?

DB:  Stop interrupting, you insolent pup. I don't see any pharmaceutical manufacturers association paying you $10,000 to give a speech at their recent Aspen conference.  Not to mention the week-long open bar.

TMS:  Sorry.  But what do you make of the criticism that by appointing loyalists and insiders to the Cabinet, he is insulating himself from any dissenting views?  

DB: The President's appointments are a mosaic of the diversity of America. He has recognized Condoleezza Rice's outstanding record by nominating her to be Secretary of State.

TMS:  What outstanding record? She f***ked up everything she touched, from ignoring the al-Qaeda threat pre-9/11, to passing along nobbled intelligence in the rush to war in Iraq, to alienating our allies, to wasting billions on a worthless missile defense system. She's a disaster.

DB:  That's not even a question.  Her outstanding record is one of loyalty.  That counts for a lot with this President.

TMS:  More than judgment or integrity?  Anyway, where do the Democrats go from here?

DB:  The Democrats face a historic crossroads.  They have lost two elections in a row and have been decisively repudiated by the American people.

TMS:  But the first one wasn't lost, it was stolen by the Supreme Court.

DB:  That's the problem.  The Democrats must stop displaying contempt for America's great heartland and its values.

TMS:  Which Democratic candidate displayed contempt for middle America?

DB:  All of them.  Just ask Fox News, they'll tell you.   The Democrats must understand the importance of faith in American life.

TMS:  But John Kerry talked about his faith during the debates.  I thought he was quite moving in speaking of the necessity of not just faith, but good works.

DB:  That may be fine for Massachusetts, but he failed to respond to Red America's concern about protection of the family.

TMS:  If the Red States are so concerned about family values, how come their divorce rates are much higher than Massachusetts?

DB:  How the hell should I know?  Do you really think I've got nothing better to do than trudge around Ohiowa?

TMS:  Thank you, Mr. Bloviator.

DB:  No more questions?  The hell with it – one more double for the road.  And put it on the Spy's tab.