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Volume CCXXXV, Number 61    January 12, 2005 

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NEW TSUNAMI WILL WIPE OUT MILLIONS OF INNOCENT LIVES

By Rip N. Reed
White House and Disaster Correspondent
with additional reporting by Nollie Tangere '03

A new tsunami threatens millions of innocent lives across the United States, political seismologists predict.

The tsunami, unleashed by powerful red-hot reactionary forces deep within the Bush Administration, will destroy the financial security of Americans from Maine to Hawaii. The tidal wave of Social Security repeal will lead to a catastrophe not seen in the United States since the Great Depression, when millions of elderly Americans were condemned to poverty, hopelessness and early death.

While political scientists have noted that this tsunami was marked by ample warning, they remarked that the warnings appear not to have been heeded.  "We heard rumblings all the way through the first Bush term," remarked Prof. Tom Daschle of the University of South Dakota's Institute of Political Seismology at Pierre.   "Yet despite our best efforts, the public appears to be ignoring all warnings. Perhaps they think they are invulnerable."

With Bush's re-election, the tidal wave of reaction is bent on destroying all vestiges of the New Deal. "Cutting Social Security benefits and bankrupting the system to fund private accounts will annihilate Social Security as we know it," Prof. Daschle explained. "In its place the poor unfortunate elderly without independent financial means will be wholly dependent on handouts of food, medical care and shelter. Only those  who are able to flee to higher ground in Aspen or Vail will survive."

But most area residents appeared not to heed the danger of imminent catastrophe.  "Hey, there wasn't going to be any money in there for us anyway," commented Old Sludgebury fireman Jimmy Burke. "So don't worry your pretty little head about it." When asked if he would support the modest tax increases needed to ensure the future solvency of Social Security, Burke replied, "Nollie, ensure this, willya?"

Some seniors expressed alarm over the future disaster. "You're f***in' jerking my chain," exclaimed Mrs. Marie Burke of Sludge Valley. "I can barely afford to play the quarter slots at Foxwoods as it is and now they're going to f*** with my Social Security. Goddamn Dukakis!"

A few plucky souls have dared to suggest that the coming tidal wave could be blocked by a powerful anti-tsunami wall buttressed by Democrats. But Prof. Daschle was not optimistic. "I don't know that any man-made barrier can stand up to the red-hot torrent of reaction bent on destroying all human life standing in its path, except for the lucky handful that salted away a few million in their Goldman Sachs 401(k)'s."

As if to echo his point, the fair and balanced commentators of Schlox News have already independently decided to follow their boss's instructions to portray the impending wipe-out as a good thing. World-famous columnist and possibly carbon-based life form Ann Colt .45 screamed on last night's Schlox Around the Clock rant: "Get over it. It's sink or swim. That's the American Way!"