The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXV, Number 64    February 2, 2005 

Editor's Note: Loyal Spy readers will recall that two years ago, in response to her plea, we tried to find Judy a hubby. We came up with four candidates, three of of whom were rich and notorious enough to be desired by her and the fourth who actually wanted to marry her. Gluttons for punishment can revisit our earlier effort here.

It's come to our attention that, despite our efforts, Judy has latterly been reduced to taking sloppy seconds if not thirds from New Jersey goombah Bernard Kerik, as described in the following pornographic snippet from The New York Observer:

""Give me more!"[Bernie commanded.] Ms. Regan, who's not known for her subservience, questioned him, and Mr. Kerik, with a few grunts, repeated his command: "Just give me more!" She complied . . ." – The New York Observer, Dec. 13, 2004 at 11.

No one as fabulous as Judy should be treated like that. So, once again, we're helping Judy find her own Mr. Wonderful by presenting four nominees for the, uh, job, of Mr. Judith Regan.

Rudy Giuliani

"bachelor no. 1" 

Pros:

  • Why settle for the consigliere?
  • Likes brunettes
  • Plenty of money, unless Donna really skinned him alive

 Cons:

  • He's already married (like that would stop Judy)
  • That franks 'n beans supper at the Hillsboro, N.H. Lincoln Day rally isn't as glamorous as it sounds
  • Really weird-looking guy when you get right down to it

Whitey Bulger

bachelor no. 2 

Pros:

  • He's got plenty stashed away
  • Quite the lady-killer
  • Likes European travel

Cons:

  • Probably won't be able to spend a lot of time on Park Avenue
  • Not the intellectual of the family
  • Probably not much of a talker

Snoop Doggy Dog

 bachelor no. 3

Pros:

  • Goes to all the right celebrity parties
  • Probably has a few best sellers in him
  • Bit of the gangsta

Cons:

  • Judy might get tired of being referred to as "my ho"
  • Better pour your own champagne
  • Could be one of those doomed NY – Folsom things

Dr. James Burke

 

Pros:

  • Has a successful Park Avenue podiatry practice with many celebrity patients, like Judy
  • Has admired her bunions for years
  • Owns 10-room house in Cedarhurst

Cons:

  • Cedarhurst?
  • Doesn't even have an outstanding parking ticket
  • Judy could never marry a man who has seen her feet naked

CHECKING INTO THE ALAN DERSHOWITZ CENTER FOR THE OVEREXPOSED

John Kerry
Tom Brokaw
Beyoncé Knowles
John Ashcroft
Germaine Greer
Tara Reid (on the critical list)

CHECKING OUT

Bernard Law
Barbara Walters
Jessie Jackson
Shannen Doherty
Norman Mailer
Lizzie Grubman