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Volume CCXXXV, Number 67    February 25, 2005 

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We aim for liberty . . .

PUTIN WARNS:
FREEDOM IS
UNDER SIEGE

By Henry Cabot Lodge
Diplomatic Correspondent

The depressing Slovak capital of Bratislava was the setting today for a remarkable effort by Russian President Vladimir Putin to advance the cause of liberty and freedom in lands where those blessings are in short supply.

In a stern public speech, Putin asked the leaders of the European Union, old and new alike, to join Russia in an effort to promote freedom and democracy in the United States.

Putin told the assembled leaders, including George W. Bush, that he has become increasingly alarmed over the rollback of democracy and the rule of law in the United States. "Once the United States stood for freedom and human dignity. Unfortunately, under the Bush regime, human rights are being rolled back everywhere we look," Putin said, to wild cheers and applause from the leaders of 25 European nations.

The well-prepared Russian leader ticked off a litany of specific threats to freedom, liberty and democracy in the United States:

• "American citizens, formerly assured of the protections of the so-called Bill of Rights, are subject to indefinite incarceration without trial or the chance to confront witnesses and evidence against them. In some cases, these citizens are held thousands of miles from home or even in the clutches of primitive dictatorships like Saudi Arabia."

• "The results of democratic elections have been in some cases set aside by politically-motivated justices (such as the 2000 Presidential election). In other cases, so many impediments are placed in the path of voters that the franchise is in effect nullifed." Putin cited the cases of opposition voters forced to wait in the rain for seven hours simply to cast ballots in Ohio and 700,000 Florida residents who cannot vote even though they have completed their criminal sentences, to the gasps of the assembled world leaders.

• "The most basic human rights, including the Geneva Conventions, are no longer respected by the United States Government. Persons in U.S. custody are tortured, abused, choked and subjected to extremes of heat, cold, hunger and thirst. In many cases, these individuals have committed no crime and were in fact held in error. Despite the enormity of these war crimes, Bush's functionaries promise that such practices will continue, and even boast about them."

• "The basis principles of science are suppressed by religious fanatics. For example, in many parts of the United States, basic biological facts such as evolution and reproduction cannot be taught, as unbelievable as that sounds."

• "Finally, to legitimize his usurpations of power and violations of democratic principles, President Bush fed his subjects an unending diet of misinformation, including the ludicrous claim that Saddam Hussein was pursing terrorist attacks against the United States. His henchmen frequently stoke public anxiety with trumped-up 'terror alerts' and 'terrorist prosecutions' to avoid being held accountable for their subversion of democratic values."

Putin then told his fellow heads of state that it was not enough to bemoan the Bush regime's attacks on cherished American liberties. "I call on the leaders of Europe to join me in a crusade to restore democratic rights and liberties to the long-suffering Americans." Putin promised to consider a number of options, ranging from the creation of a "Radio Free America" television service to sanctions on exports of U.S. cowboy boots, machine guns, cable talk shows and other "inherently undemocratic goods and services."

The often-fractious leaders of the 25 member states of the European Union were unanimous in their praise of Putin's initiative. "I salute Vladimir for his honesty," said French President Jacques Chirac, raising a glass of champagne without dropping the leash of his poodle. "I wish I had the courage to say what he said, but I am German so of course I have to keep my mouth shut," moaned German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder. Even Slovak President Nd Vwls [Check name – Copy Ed.] said that Putin's speech was the best thing to happen to Bratislava since running water was restored in 2003.

Asked for comment, U.S. President George W. Bush smiled and said: "What did he say?  I wasn't listening."

Harvard University
Faculty of Arts & Sciences

Summers Institute of Economics and Eugenics

2005 Colloquia

Women: Are They Genetically Too Susceptible to the Vapors to Receive Tenure at Harvard?  Just Asking.

Moderator: Lawrence Summers, President, Harvard University; Discussants: Rev. Jerry Falwell, President, Liberty University; John Silber, President for Life Emeritus, Boston University.

Are African-Americans Genetically Better Suited to Play Basketball than to Serve as Professors in the Faculty of Arts & Sciences?  Just a Question.

Moderator: Lawrence Summers, President, Harvard University; Discussants: Hon. Clarence Thomas, Justice, United States Supreme Court; Hon. Trent Lott, United States Senator; Dick Morris, Prof. of Podiatry, Schlox News Network

The Genetic Apotheosis of Intellectual Genius:  Me.

Sole Discussant: Prof. Harvey Mansfield, Harvard University

The Intellectual Superiority of Orientals, Jews and Anglicans: It's All in the Genes

Moderator: Lawrence Summers, President, Harvard University; Discussants: Prof. Viet Dinh, Former Bush Administration War Criminal; A. Lawrence Lowell, President, Harvard University, deceased

All colloquia are held in the Cotton Mather Conference Room, Porcellian Club, Mt. Auburn St., Cambridge, and are open to all Fellows of Harvard College, and we do mean fellows. The public is not invited as it could not possibly comprehend the complexities of the topics presented and anyway it would just be a lot of ungrateful Negroes and bitching Lesbians on the rag.