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By Sisyphus
Baseball Editor
It's the morning after in Red Sox Nation and no one knows which clichés will make the team and which will be traded to the Chicago Cubs.
This is the year? How can that be, if last year was the year? Can there be two the years? If the Foxborough Patriots can do it, why can't the Olde Towne Team?
Lots of reasons.
Let's start with the pitching, and we might as well end there too, as the rest of the team has if anything improved. Last year's rotation featured two certain Hall of Famers (Schilling and Martinez) and a number three pitcher who could be number one on lots of perfectly respectable teams, like, say, the Los Angeles Dodgers.
This year's rotation dispenses with the great Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe. Lowe may not be great, but he turned in one of the greatest Mr. October acts in baseball history by holding a lethal offensive lineup to one hit in the ALCS Game 7 and three-hitting the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series.
To replace these stalwarts, Theo has brought us, uh, Matt Clement, who might be OK, and David Wells, whose pitching style is uniquely unsuited to Fenway's Green Monster. We kind of like spicy meatballs like Wells, but you won't find too many Sox fans who think that the Sox rotation is stronger in '05. And if Schilling's ankle comes unglued, we'll be looking for lots of quality innings from Tim Wakefield.
By comparison, let's wade through the junk cars and decomposing corpses surrounding George's Palace in the South Bronx and eyeball the Hated Yankees. Last year the H.Y.'s had one very lonely quality starter: Mike Mussina.
This year, on top of Mussina, they've added the Big Unit himself, Carl Pavano and Jared Wright. Last year Wright went 15-8 with 159 strikeouts and a 3.28 ERA for the Braves. He might have arm problems, but then again he might not. Pavano, the pick of the free agent litter this year, was 18-8 for the Marlins in '04, notching a 3.00 ERA and an All-Star berth.
Does anyone think that the Yankees' starting pitching has gotten worse from '04 to '05? Even if Giambi's, uh, arm falls off from steroid abuse, the Yankees will be tough.
So will the Red Sox defeat the laws of nature again? And will the Yankees end up this year as they did in 2004: as lifeless and pitiable as the crackheads around Yankee Stadium?
It's possible that Johnson and Wright will throw their arms out, that Rivera is over the hill and that Pavano and Wright won't be able to pick up the slack. It's possible that Wells will be another golden-age success like Roger Clemens. It's all possible, but as Adrian Monk would say, I don't think so.
So will Red Sox Nation have to wait another 85 years? Let's just take it one game at a time.
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We're talkin' dynasty, baby
PAIL O' MUCK PARK, Florida – It's been a springtime to remember here in sunny Florida, thanks to the world champion Boston Red Sox and their brilliant management team.
Who else would sponsor a tour of the World Series trophy stopping at South Florida's most elite strip malls? And who else would invite yours truly to preside over the trophy tour at the Palmetto Bug Plaza next Tuesday morning at 7 a.m. (that's the one with the Wal-Mart Clearance Center and the EZ Pawn Payday Loan trailer) right on 41, a mere 22 miles east of the ballpark? See you there!
And the handsome "honorarium" for said services helped ol' Shill maintain his reputation as the King of the Early Bird dating scene at the Golden Skillet All-U-Can-Eat All Day Breakfast Bar. See you there, darlin', but remember ol' Shill doesn't lay out $5.99 for a handshake!
But enough about me. I'm here to tell you that the '05 Sox are a lock, a lock mind you, to repeat as Series champs. The two greatest geniuses in baseball today, Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein, recognized that Pedro Martinez was through, washed up, done, cooked, and wisely let the hapless Mets waste $54 million on that has-been. If Pedro wins 15 games this year, the Miller Lite's on me (except when I'm enjoying the sportswriters' buffet, when the beers are on John Henry! Thank you sir, I'll have another!)
I hear some crybabies moaning that the owners of the Red Sox have modestly increased ticket prices this season. Anyone who says that the World Series winners aren't worth a $90 box seat, a $5 hot dog and a $10 bevo is looking for a shiner courtesy of ol' Shill. These ungrateful fans should understand that John Henry isn't running a charity here. The man's already down to his last $750,000,000!
Speaking of which, here's a big razzberry for those toothless whining hockey players whose obstinacy and greed has taken away hockey from scores of loyal fans here in the U.S., not to mention millions of desperate Canuckers from Newfoundland to West Canada. [Note to Copy Desk: confirm place name – Ed.]
Don't they understand that the NHL owners can't afford to support these lugs any further? Do you have any idea how much it costs to provide free beer and hot wings to sportswriters (including visitors such as ol' Shill) 40 times a year? Yep, these shameless players are destroying the buffet [Surely, game? – Copy Ed.]
So let's raise a tall cool one to the Sox Dynasty as they prepare to double-dip. Like hockey, it's a great game, unless the players try to horn in on it!
Next week: Ace baseball columnist Shill Shamelessly surveys the slags [Surely, fans? – Ed.] at the Palmetto Bug Plaza World Series Trophy Parade.
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Volume CCXXXV, Number 68 March 4, 2005
