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Volume CCXXXV, Number 69    March 11, 2005 

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By Douglas MacArthur
War Correspondent with
Roscoe Arbuckle
Entertainment Editor

The nation breathed a much-deserved sigh of relief when it heard that a dastardly attack on American hero Russell Crowe [Isn't he from New Zealand? – Ed.] had been foiled by the plucky gladiator and his goons.

According to Crowe, al-Qaeda, fresh from its evil attack on the World Trade Center, attempted to destroy the one remaining symbol of freedom and courage – that would be Crowe – in late 2001.

But the terrorists were foiled, either because they were intimidated by the handsome hulk or perhaps had been promised net points on Master and Commander.

But the nation's sigh of relief was short-lived, as recently intercepted communications from Osama bin Laden in his moutainside vacation home suggest that other iconic celebrities may be in al-Qaeda's gunsights.

The intercepted calls from bin Laden contain disturbing references to American idols Brittany Spears and Lindsay Lohan.  "Boy these devil women sure have big rack," Osama is reputed to have told his henchmen.  "We get our hands on those jugs, it's good bye to the Evil Empire."

In a possibly unrelated development, drunken sociopath Michael Lohan, father of the possibly targeted teen prodigy, was finally able to post his $1,000,000 bail.

Upon being sprung from the can, papa Lohan, pulling on a pint of peach schnapps, announced he was flying to Pakistan to pitch his "reality TV show" to Lahore Television. Lohan said that the show would be "perfect" for the network because it was named after his ex-wife.

In response to the threat against the two legendary entertainers, the Department of Homeland Security immediately arrested a whole bunch of "funny-looking Arabs" and sent them to Guantanamo Bay for torture.  In addition, security has been increased around Las Vegas wedding chapels, Sunset Strip nightclubs and Malibu liquor stores.

Reached for comment on the Maui set of her latest big picture, the long-awaited remake of Gidget Goes Hawaiian, Lohan said, "Wow, that's really heavy. Speaking of heavy, do you think this bikini makes my butt look big.?" [Looks OK to me – Photo Ed.][That will be fine – Ed.]

Spears, recovering from her recent Playboy photo shoot, was reported to have replaced her saline implants with bulletproof ceramic for extra protection. The "singer" was unavailable for comment. "Frankly, she's exhausted," said her handler Alexandra Stolichnaya.

The Bush Administration has expressed its concern about the latest threat. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, released from his Pentagon bunker for a rare public airing, commented: "This just shows how important it is to continue to sacrifice our troops in Iraq. Who knows what al-Qaeda might do if we cut and ran? Cameron Diaz, Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton might all be in jeopardy."

In response to questions from press agents, Rumsfeld said he thought that Demi Moore and ex-husband Bruce Willis were "probably safe."

Will al-Qaeda get their bloody mitts on these?

Justice Beaten [surely Beat? – Ed.]

By Scott V. Sandiford
Justic Correspondent with
Adm. Husband E. Kimmel
Pentagon Correspondent

ARLINGTON, Va. – The brave struggle of the United States against the grim specter of international terrorism took it on the chin recently, as a result of one of those liberal activist judges who think they know the Constitution of the United States better than Don Rumsfeld.

As previously reported, see Spy No. 50, the Departments of Defense and Justice have waged a gallant fight to keep dangerous terrorists behind bars forever. And we know that they're dangerous terrorists because the Bush Administration tells us so.

But to a bunch of unelected nosy parkers in black robes, that's not good enough. First the bleeding hearts on the Supreme Court said that dirtbags safely locked up in Cuba somehow could sue for their freedom in U.S. courts. As a result, the U.S. Government was forced to release mastermind Hamdi and return him to prey upon our staunch Saudi Arabian leeches [Surely, allies? – Ed.]

And if that wasn't bad enough, terror supremo Jose Padilla has been handed a get-out-of-jail-free card by some soft liberal judge in South Carolina [Wasn't the judge appointed by Bush mimor? – Ed.].

Padilla had been picked up at O'Hare Airport three years ago because Don Rumsfeld knew, just knew, that Padilla had been conspiring to launch a terror attack on Chicago. That was good enough for our President, and since then, this wayward citizen has been safely immured in Charleston, South Carolina as an "enemy combatant."

Until now. Sissy-boy Henry Floyd has had the gall to reject the decision of the President of the United States, and to order Padilla released unless the government indicts him. The judge's feeble excuse?

"To do otherwise would not only offend the rule of law and violate this country’s constitutional tradition, but it would also be a betrayal of this Nation’s commitment to the separation of powers that safeguards our democratic values and individual liberties."

Rent me a violin, Henry!  But that's not all. He goes on to say: "For the Court to find for Respondent would also be to engage in judicial activism. This Court sits to interpret the law as it is and not as the Court might wish it to be."

Well, duh. Of course it's not his job to enforce the law as he wishes it would be. His job is to enforce the law as George Bush wishes it would be. It doesn't get any simpler than that.  Fortunately, the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals knows the difference.

But there was some better news on the civil rights front. The same Justice Department that wants to keep Padilla buried alive indefinitely has been showing so much deference to the rights of gun owners that scores of suspected terrorists have been freely able to purchase guns 'n ammo, as is their God-given right.

Some granola-sucking liberals claim that fewer terrorists would be able to get guns if the Justice Department did not erase the list of gun purchasers every 24 hours. Hello, does their Bill of Rights include a Second Amendment?

So here's where matters stand in the balance of national security and civil rights: the Government might or might not be able to chuck suspected terrorists in jail without charges and throw away the key, but at least the suspects will be able to bring their assault rifles with them.