---

Volume CCXXXV, Number 72    April 2, 2005 

---

This week the Spy is honored to present the world leader in long-distance medical diagnosis: the very honorable Dr. and Sen. Bill Frist. If you'd like him to do for you what he did for Terry Schiavo, please send your question, videotape and a check for $500 made out to the Frist Victory '08 Committee to Ask Dr. Frist, HCA Humana Tower, Nashville, Tennessee.

Dear Dr. Frist,

Momma don't look so good. She had this breathing thing from the four packs a day she smoked and she was coughing up this stuff all the time.

Well, we don't have any money since Papa died in the coal mine so we put Mama on the Tenn Care plan. For a while they took real good care of her and gave her this little air tank she wore on her back. She even could go down to Tunica to the slots.

Anyway the state said they don't have any money for Tenn Care anymore and they took away Momma's air tank. We took her to the Humana Hospital but they said that there was nothing they could do for Mama without the insurance.

So we took Mama home and put her in bad and she was wheezing real bad. Last night we didn't hear any more wheezing. In fact we didn't hear any breathing at all. And Mama looks all gray and stiff now.

Dr.Frist, what's wrong with Mama? We're asking you because we know you care about regular folks like us, not like those elitist liberals.

Sincerely,

Bobbie Lee Jones
Cripple Creek, Tenn.

Dear Bobbie Lee,

Your dear mother is just fine.  She's suffering from chronic fatigue, perhaps brought on by the sickening spectacle of all those liberal activist judges who murdered Terry Schiavo.

Show your reverence for life by keeping Mama comfortable and sending another check to the Frist Victory Committee. Thank you, Jesus!

Dear Dr. Frist,

Some Ivy Club buddies and me were feeling a little horny the other night so we decided to drive into Trenton to see if we could nail a townie. You remember what it's like, I'm sure.

Anyway we found this black chick and we brought her back to the club – remember that room in the attic?  They still tell stories about you and your roommates and that Smith girl.

So we dosed this skank with a few vodka and grapefruit juices. After four or five we pulled her clothes off. Just as the train was ready to pull out of the station, the ho starts to puke. Talk about a buzz kill.

Tod says he doesn't mind, just towel her off and he'll bone her. But then the bitch starts puking again and passes out. What's wrong with her?  Can she still pull the train?

Also, can we get summer jobs on your staff this sumrmer?  We hear there's plenty of poontang in D.C.!

Biff, Tod and Chip
Princeton, N.J.

Dear fellow Ivies,

Bright college days – how I miss them.

Here's my treatment plan: get her into a car and dump her in some vacant lot in Trenton. Next time you want to nail a townie, be careful to titrate the dose so she doesn't pass out until you're finished with her.  As for the internships, it's promising young Tigers like you that fill me full of such confidence about the future of our great University.

Dear  Dr. Frist,

My husband used to have a tiny problem with the booze and the Bolivian marching powder but I told him to quit and he shaped up.

Lately, though, I've noticed that he seems very agitated, almost manic. He's always smiling, running all over the place and starting wars. Also he gags and chokes a lot and sometimes forgets to wipe his face. Should I be worried?

Laura B.
Waco, Texas

Dear Laura,

It doesn't sound to me that you've got anything to worry about. He may be so filled with the Holy Spirit that he can't stand still. But, just to be safe, maybe you should do the driving.

Dear Dr. Frist,

I am a 64 year old man in generally good health.  However, since being appointed to a major government job, I suddenly have lost my ability to see. Also I have a chronically sore back and I keep smelling something bad. What's wrong with me?

Chuck R.
Arlington, Virginia

Dear Chuck,

Don't worry – now that the Intelligence Commission has published its whitewash [Surely, report? – Ed.], you should be able to remove your head from your ass!

Dear Dr. Frist,

I have been under a lot of stress at work lately. I have tried to do my job to the best of my ability but lots of people are angry at me. Now I have the sense that people are out to get me. I see police cars guarding my house. When I pick up the phone I hear voices screaming obscenities. When I walk down the street I sense I am being followed by strangers who seek to do me harm. Do you think I could benefit from therapy?

G. Greer
Tampa, Fl.

Dear Judge Greer,

I think you forgot to send your $500 to the Frist Victory Committee. What do think this is, socialized medicine? Go ahead, start your car.