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Volume CCXXXV, Number 75    May 2, 2005 

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Curse of the Maraschino:

FIRST THE SOX,
NOW BILL WELD

By Alvin T. Fuller
State House Bureau Chief
with additional reporting by Maria Boroaroma
Brooklyn Correspondent

NEW YORK – New York, still reeling from the most pitiable collapse in the history of their supposedly invincible Yankees, now must deal with yet another collapsing Yankee: Massachusetts expatriate and ladies' man Bill "Ten for the Tonsils" Weld.

Weld, who managed to ravish Massachusetts during the two years he worked as Governor (having served for six), has now decided that the glass [Surely, grass? – Ed.] is greener in the snakepit of New York politics.

The affable lush had left Massachusetts and his then-wife in the lurch several years back to pursue new sexual [Surely, business? – Ed.] opportunities in New York City. One can hardly blame him: if tomcatting goombahs like Bernard Kerik can make big bucks and boink hot babes like Judy Regan in Fun City, why should Happy Hour Bill pout on Fayerweather Street, still handcuffed to his leathery first wife? And, hey, the bars in New York stay open until 4 a.m.  

At first blush, Weld's logic is impeccable: New Yorkers, unlike the more staid citizens of the Commonwealth, appear to have a bottomless appetite for pols with unsavory personal lives. Just ask local hero, Rudy Giuliani. Or better yet, ask Donna Hanover, the ex-wife he cheated on while mayor.

And the New York electorate, like their Massachusetts counterparts, hold their Republican politicians to a standard no higher than ability to fog a mirror. In his twelve years, Governor George Pataki has done nothing except destroy the fiscal solvency of the State of New York. No wonder Amber Liquid Bill expresses unqualified admiration for Pataki and says modestly he won't run if Pataki does.

Weld would certainly be a worthy successor to the hapless Pataki. Weld's potent combination of tax cuts for the wealthy and hands-off "management" of the money-gobbling Big Dig reduced the Commonwealth's once rock-solid finances to depths previously plumbed only by . . . New York.

Having drunk Boston dry, Weld then turned over the shaker [Surely, reins? – Ed.] of government to his gofer, Paul "Double or Nothing" Cellucci, who in turn, just before fleeing the jurisdiction, abandoned the wreck of the Commonwealth to the misnamed Jane Swift.

But Massachusetts' former Golden Boy may find the going harder in New York. The one time he faced a real opponent – Sen. John Kerry – he shriveled faster than a cocktail onion in an empty glass. Waiting to take on Pataki or Weld or whomever is real-estate heir Elliot Spitzer, who used his family money and his own delightful personality to buy himself the job of Attorney General. His unrelenting attacks on those whom he has declared to be malefactors have won him wide popularity with New Yorkers, who always side with the bully. Weld's vague country club charm may not equip him to withstand Spitzer's fire, although it will undoubtedly stand him in good stead during the fundraisers on Hank Greenberg's yacht.

To the citizens of The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Weld's adventures in Sodom on the Hudson represent the latest chapter in the world-historical reversal of fortune between Boston and New York. From the building of the Erie Canal through Grady Little's "decision" to leave Martinez in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, New York has pretty much run roughshod over their poor country cousins.

But the world turned last October with the destruction of the Curse of the Bambino at the hands and bats of the World Champion Boston Red Sox, despite their sporting the hated pinstripers an apparently insurmountable 3-0 series lead.

In 2004, Boston exported baseball futility to a happy new home: the Little House That Ruth Built on the Prairie, better known as Yankee Stadium. In 2005, Boston exported one of its most loathed politicians to the same part of the world. When Larry Summers leaves to become president of New York University, we'll know that the Curse of the Maraschino has been completed.