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Volume CCXXXV, Number 76    May 8, 2005 

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News from Vegas:

New Wynn hotel
is lousy with class

By Robert F. Scott
Travel Editor
with additional reporting by
John Connally

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Vegas, already known for big hotels, big buffets and big – [That will be fine, Robert – Ed.], has added yet another monster attraction: Steve Wynn's latest hotel, which the self-effacing entrepreneur has modestly named after himself.

The ultra-fabulous Wynn Hotel threw open its whores [Surely, doors? – Ed.] on April 28, intended to appeal to a high-rolling elite including gang-banging rappers, seed-spilling NBA players, coked-up rock stars and slagging starlets.

The hotel features 144 super-deluxe suites on the top floors that feature gold fixtures, breathtaking views and built-in lap dancers [Surely, lap pools? – Copy Ed.][Maybe – Ed.] with state-of-the-art equipment.

But the only man who can do justice to all of the superlative attractions of the Wynn Hotel is the one who borrowed $3 billion from Wall Street suckers to build it: Steve Wynn himself. In an ultra-exclusive interview with the Spy, Mr. Las Vegas described the philosophy behind the new establishment.

"My goal, quite simply, was to build the best f*****n' hotel in the word. Not the biggest. But the f*****n' best," Wynn said.

Standing in the massive marble-clad lobby, Wynn said over the ultra-sophiscated clanging of the slot machines fleecing pensioners of their pitiful savings: "Look over there. I said over there, f**khead." He pointed in the direction of the Wynn Hotel's shopping mall.

"This mall has the fanciest f****n' stores in the f****n' world. It makes every other store in Vegas look like a f****n' Wal-Mart. We got f****n' Chanel, we got f*****n' Prada. The c***s are going to get wet just lookin at the f****n' handbags," Wynn predicted.

"Now look over here, numbn**s," the leathery hotelier ordered. "Look at these f****n' restaurants. Classiest f****n' restauarants in the world. Of course the chefs are all a bunch of limp-wristed c*********rs, but I don't care where their stick their ****s, as long as they can f*****n' cook. Am I right or am I right?" Wynn asked.

The former Vegas legend, who built and then ran into the ground the Mirage and Treasure Island, said he was perhaps most proud of the main show, entitled La Rêve, which, according to Wynn,  is French for a "f*****n' wet dream." "The show has class coming out of its bunghole," he boasted.

"I had to pay this French f****t twenty million f*****n' dollars for this show, so it better be good or someone's going to have their d*** cut off," Wynn vowed. "This show has f*****n' everything, including f*****n' naked broads, f*****n' jugglers and the biggest f*****n' pool of water you ever saw in a Vegas show. You won't f*****n' believe it," Wynn predicted.

The early reaction to Wynn's latest masterpiece suggests that the lifelike bronzed figurine may have realized his ambition of a hotel that, in his brave words, "pisses class."

"This is the classiest place I've ever seen," said over-leveraged comb-over king Donald Trump.

"This place is hot," exclaimed Paris Hilton. "I'm definitely going to shoot my next home video here."

"F*** off, I'm on a hot streak here," commented right-wing virtue pontificator Bill Bennett. "Hard eight, baby, Daddy needs his advance back."

But others speculated that Wynn had rushed to open before all the details were in place. "Where the f*****n' ho's at?" inquired a peeved Snoop Dogg. When word of Mr. Dogg's concerns reached his host, Wynn responded, "I'll ************ anyone who ************. Get the ************ out here and start *****************." [I think we've run out of asterisks – Ed.]