The Massachusetts Spy Volume CCXXXV, Number 78   May 25, 2005 

Reaching new heights . . .

MASS. GENERAL
TO BE RENAMED

new face of mgh

MGH is sporting a new "up" look following the unprecedented sale of naming rights to Levitra

By Alvin T. Fuller
Boston Bureau Chief with
Dr. V. B. Batz
Medical Editor

BOSTON, Massachusetts – The financial troubles of the Massachusetts General Hospital have been solved through an innovative deal with a leading drug company, MGH officials announced today.

After months of speculation, hospital overseers announced that in exchange for a grant of $250,000,000, the hospital would be co-branded "Levitra Mass. General Hospital."

"We're very excited about the opportunities that this grant will provide," explained hospital chief executive Dr. Woodrow Reamer at a press conference held at the Levitra Continuing Medical Education Center in Las Vegas, Nevada.

"This grant will permit us to erect a state-of-the-art physician training and comfort [Surely, conference? – Ed.]  center on the grounds of our existing medical campus in the West End, and when you think of erections, you naturally think of Levitra," Dr. Reamer announced. "Renaming the hospital allows us to meet our financial needs without sacrificing patient care, which of course must be our first priority."

Asked what Levitra manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline would get out of the deal, Dr. Reamer said that associating the erectile dysfunction cure with a world-class medical center would provide a "boost" to the drug, which faces stiff competition from market leader Viagra. "Now when you think of Levitra, you'll think of Mass. General. If that doesn't make your wedango stand up and salute I don't know what will."

MGH supremo Dr. Woodrow Reamer celebrates the big-bucks naming deal with Levitra marketing team

The innovative physician and chief executive said that all hospital signage and stationery would include the "Levitra" name. In addition, he said Levitra would be advertised "tastefully" in all hospital operating and recovery rooms.

Some critics have questioned whether renaming the hospital after a drug in exchange for a whopping fee might call into question the integrity of the institution. "Anyone who thinks the integrity of this great institution can be sold for a mere $250 million is just the kind of limpd*** who could use the strong, reliable erections provided by Levitra. Consult your doctor," snarled Dr. Reamer.

Mass. General insiders say that more naming arrangements may be in the works as the hospital struggles to treat all comers, including lowlifes without any health insurance. The hospital is rumored to be close to a $50 million deal to rename its basement refectory the Nexium Cafeteria and a $10 million rights package for the Preparation H Trustees' Room.

 

 

 

Editors' Note: The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the Steinbrenner Unsinkable Shipyard

The NY Yankees announce their fabulous 2005 promotions!

Hey, Yankee fans! We're talkin' to you!

Forget about last season's miserable collapse!

Pack your heat and get permission from your probation officer to travel up to the South Bronx for some great Yankee baseball! Or least a few drunken brawls!

Check out these great Yankee promotions!

May 11 Yankee Insignia Crack Bottle Night. First 5,000 crackheads get a fabulous bottle with the Yankee insignia. Perfect for filling on 161st St. after the game!
May 27 Colossal Auto Glass Night. Ten lucky fans whose windshields were smashed while they parked outside the stadium get a new free windshield, thanks to Colossal Auto Glass.
June 14 Bail Night. First 100 incarcerated fans get free bail posted by Honest Antonio's Bail Bonds, Jerome Ave. Offer not good for Class A or B felonies.
July 9 Yankee Buddy Night.  First 55,000 fans get to sit next to obnoxious know-it-all from Massapequa who will jabber in your ear the entire game about how much he knows about baseball, his personal relationship with Derek Jeter's landscaper and the great deal he got on his new flat-screen TV!
July 30 Yankee Insignia Ice Bag Night.  First 100 fans to be assaulted by thuggish Yankee Stadium security goons get a free ice pack to put over their new bruises, once they sign the release.
August 18 Billy Martin Appreciation Night.  First 5,000 fans get Yankee ponchos to protect them when the drunken oaf in the next row vomits his nachos all over them.
August 27 Back to School Night.  Any Yankee fan who will be going to back to school gets a Jason Giambi autographed pill and syringe case.
Sept. 11 Wet T-shirt Night.  First 1,000 fans who degrade themselves sufficiently to be picked up by leering YES cameramen get to see themselves degraded on YES television.
Sept. 20 Tirade Night.  Last 1,000 fans in stadium get personal invitation to hear tirade from pardoned criminal George Steinbrenner.
Oct. 15 Eat the Apple Night.  All fans get to join their team in eating the apple at end of playoffs.  Sponsored by NY State Apple Growers' Association.