Volume CCXXXV, Number 79 June 1, 2005
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From Benno to Bozo: . . . SUMMERS TO LEAVE HARVARD FOR TRUMP U.
New Trump U prexy Larry Summers poses with his all-star line-up of "associate deans" ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. – Embattled Harvard President Larry Summers, under fire for his modest suggestion that babes are genetically dopes, has ankled his current job to become the first President of Trump University, the on-line educational venture of overleveraged apartment-house greeter Donald Trump. In a joint press conference held at the Trump University campus located in the former bingo room at the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, the Donald exulted: "With the hiring of Larry Summers, Trump University is now the tip-top on-line educational institution in the world. Pretty soon, Harvard will be begging us to merge with them." Summers was equally optimistic about the potential of the new venture. "I postulate that brick-and-mortar universities, hobbled as they are by hairy radical Lesbians and angry Negroes, will be unable to compete with the efficient educational program of Trump University." With a glance at the bikini-clad "assistant deans" joining him at the press conference, Summers leered: "Not to mention the great extracurricular activities." The Trump University program comprises exclusively on-line courses. Their successful completion entitles the student to an ultra-prestigious Trump University diploma, which also comes with $25 in slot-machine credit and a comp buffet at any Trump casino not in bankruptcy. The Harvard community was reportedly shocked by Summers' decision, but others pointed out that Summers is only following in the footsteps of disastrous former Yale University President Benno Schmidt.
The campus of Trump University bears little resemblance to Summers' former Harvard domain [Really? Ever spent a Saturday night in the Adams House pool? – Ed.] Schmidt, it may be recalled, had spent several agonizing years of trying to run the Connecticut Ivy League colossus from his East Side penthouse. When the strain of setting foot in New Haven became too much for Benno to bear, he, like Summers, jumped at the chance to serve as front man for a dubious huckster's supposedly "educational" venture; in Benno's case, for-profit elementary schools. The Donald promised that his University's course offerings would be "state-of-the-art, as you would expect from any university that bears my name." He predicted that thousands would flock to online classes such as Debtors' Rights I, II, II and IV, Junk Bonds: Boon or Godsend, Reality Television for the Untalented and Cutting Casino Housekeeping Costs With Illegal Aliens. Trump promised that one of the University's signature offerings, the Art of the Pre-Nup, would be taught by him "personally." With the Harvard campus still reeling from the shock of Summers' imminent departure, early reaction was tentative. One faculty member expressed relief that she would no longer have to wear her poncho to lunches with the etiquette-challenged president. Of course, speculation has immediately started to focus on Summers' replacement. The Harvard Corporation, worn down by the constant controversy generated by Larry, is said to be considering a less abrasive choice, with the leading candidates rumored to include Hollywood legend Tom Hanks, philanthropist Bono and long-time Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. |
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JUST LIKE THE GIRL WE TOOK TO THE PROM Asexual and proud! A growing number of so-called asexuals insist that their indifference toward sex isn't a pathology, but an "orientation" like being gay. But some experts say that instead of comforting themselves with a label, "amoebas" should seek help. May 26, 2005 | As a teenager, Julie Sondra Decker spent a lot of time in the garage with her boyfriend. Her mother, understandably, was suspicious. "She accused me of having 'necking sessions,' when we really were just playing Ping-Pong," says Julie, now 27 and a bookstore worker and writer in Gainesville, Fla. "I explained how I didn't really even think kissing was fun. I remember her asking, 'Doesn't it stir anything in you?' I told her it did nothing for me and was actually quite gross. Before I went to college she actually took me to the doctor to complain that I wasn't expressing 'normal' interest in the opposite sex. The doctors told her it wasn't anything to worry about," says Julie. "I think she still wonders if I'm a closet lesbian." Today, Julie has an active social life, a large circle of friends -- and still no interest in kissing, or anything it might lead to. "Most of my friends are men," she says. "I just don't really want them near me that way." Has Julie, like her mother, ever worried about what was going on? "No. this is just how I feel, just like 'I like the color yellow.' There can't be anything wrong with it because it's how I feel," she says matter-of-factly. On her Web site, she is even more defiant: "I know I'm not normal and I simply don't care," she writes. Julie has labeled herself "non-sexual," she says, "because 'asexual' sounds like an amoeba and 'anti-sexual' sounds like I'm against sex in general, which I'm not. Sex is fine as long as it does not involve me." Whether they call themselves a-, non- or anti-sexual (or even "amoebas"), a growing number of people, like Julie, consider their indifference toward sex not a problem, not a pathology, but rather, like gay or bi, an "orientation" of its own -- complete with coming-out stories, slogans, online communities, an ad hoc manifesto, merchandise and no small amount of pride. The micro-movement, with an unofficial online headquarters at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), has gained both visibility and adherents since last fall, when an article published in the Journal of Sex Research reexamined existing British data to find that 1 percent of people report never having felt any sexual attraction. . . . "When someone brings up sex, I start thinking, 'I need to replace that light fixture, or I could take a nice hot bath, make myself a sandwich and pop "The Way We Were" into the VCR; I haven't watched that in a long time,'" says Debbie, 47, a self-described asexual who works in sales in northern Wisconsin and preferred not to use her last name to protect her privacy. "Sex is just not high on my list of priorities." . . . – Salon.com, May 26, 2005. |
Editors' Note: The Massachusetts Spy is pleased to have received the 2005 Mitch Albom Award for Clairvoyance