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Volume CCXXXV, Number 81   June 14, 2005 

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Heart of Darkness:

BUSH MOVED BY
AFRICA PLIGHT

By Henry Cabot Lodge
Diplomatic Correspondent
with Nollie Tangere '03
in Old Sludgebury

CRAWFORD, Texas – Showing the world that his heart is as big as the tax cuts he has lavished on the richest 1% of Americans, President George W. Bush announced a new aid package intended to remind the world just how generous Americans like to pretend to be.

After sending his faithful dog British Prime Minister Tony Blair back to London without so much as a bone to chew on, Bush unveiled his own African aid package in a special town meeting attended by a diverse group of pre-selected Holy Rollers carefully screened by Karl Rove.

"You don't solve problems by throwing money at them," Bush read from cards left over from the Reagan Administration.  "You solve problems by giving people the faith to solve their own problems."  Accordingly, Bush announced a $400 million program to supply starving malaria-plagued Africans with a rich assortment of fundamentalist screeds from the Bible (King James Dobson Edition), the Left-Behind apocalypse series and Pat Robertson's Christian heart-healthy recipe book.

He also announced a $100 million grant to the Abstain or Rot in Hell Coalition for the Family to promote faith-based abstinence education which he said was designed to get at the root cause of African poverty and disease: Africans. "It's important that Africans abstain from sex. That way, they won't bring any starving children into the world," Bush explained.  This new money would supplement the current $150 million abstinence education program directed at mass rape victims in Darfur.

He also said that the Administration's public diplomacy slush fund [Surely, budget? – Ed.] would pay to subtitle Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic film The Passion of the Christ into "Africanish."

Nor did the President ignore Africa's terrible public health crisis. For a continent staggering under the twin epidemics of AIDS and malaria, Bush announced that American drug companies would donate $500 million of surplus pharmaceuticals. "Now Africans troubled by aching joints can get relief without stomach upset thanks to once-daily Vioxx," the President announced. Other vital drugs would include heartburn relievers like Nexium, strength-building anabolic steroids and several containers of expired Cialis, which the President stressed would be dispensed only upon proof of marriage.  As a personal touch, he threw in two carloads of White House Choke-Resistant Pretzels.

Senior officials traveling with Prime Minister Tony Blair expressed hope that Bush would join Blair's campaign for developed countries to devote 0.15% of their GDP to African aid. Responded Vice-President Dick Cheney: "What's he smoking? We can't afford that." When Cheney was asked why a nation that could afford $300 billion to overthrow Saddam Hussein and $2 trillion in tax cuts could not afford to devote a small fraction of that amount to help pull Africa out of its misery, Cheney chortled and invited his interrogator to attend a "special briefing" at Guantanamo Bay.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld pointed out that Africa was among the principal beneficiaries of the Administration's continuing Iraqi war. "Was Saddam Hussein a threat to Africa? You bet he was. Will Africa be better off without him? Jiminy cricket, yes. Do I intend to divert money from worthless missile defense programs to build an African economy strong enough to produce citizens, not terrorists? Not for one cotton-pickin' second."

Reaction to President Bush's bold faith-based initiative was generally favorable. Schlox News blowhard Sean Hannity was told to call it a "bold faith-based initiative." Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R –Medicaid Fraud) predicted that the Senate would quickly fund the program by selling the Public Broadcasting System to Rupert Murdoch.

The reaction overseas was more circumspect. The Independent of London termed it "five pounds of shit in a ten pound bag." By contrast, Le Monde of Paris contended that the bag would in fact hold ten kilos.

While African relief has become a first-tier issue in Europe, in the United States there has been little political pressure to divert resources to aid the sick and the wretched on the other side of the world.  The reaction of Jimmy Burke of Old Sludgebury, Mass. was typical: "I have to spend fifty f****in' bucks to fill up my Tahoe and you want to send welfare checks to a bunch of lazy jungle bunnies?  I don't f****in' think so."

On the other hand, Mrs. Kathleen Burke of Sludge Falls said that she worried about the poor Africans almost every day and if she hit the slots at Foxwoods she'd be sure to send a couple of chips to Africa.  "I'm talking a big hit, you know, like three bars or something," she explained.