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Volume CCXXXV, Number 84   July 7, 2005 

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IOC TO NY CITY:
DROP DEAD

By Geoffrey Dawson with
Maria Boroaroma
Brooklyn (and Queens) Correspondent

SINGAPORE – In a decision that came as no surprise west of the Hudson and east of Mineola, the International Olympic Committee awarded New York's bid to host the 2012 Olympic Games the prestigious prize of third runner-up.  This means that, if London, Paris and Madrid are unable for any reason to host the Olympics, then Gotham will get the honor.

The mandarins of world "amateur" athletics gave various reasons for mictorating on the dream of Medford's gift to Manhattan, Michael Bloomberg. Some cited the controversy over Bloomberg's planned $600 million kiss to the New York Jets, others the efficiency and punctilio of the New York Police Department. One Olympic insider recalled that during the last big event held in Manhattan – the Republican National Convention – the local constabulary had compiled a perfect record: 45,000 arrests and no convictions.

Still others recalled experiencing New York's very special brand of gracious hospitality on previous visits: the 14-hour wait to clear immigration at JFK, the subsequent $400 cab ride to Manhattan, the pummeling from the Yankee Stadium security goons or the unforgettable stench of decay, human and otherwise, that permeates the city streets on a hot summer day.

But other Olympic insiders claim that it is unfair to blame the humiliating performance of New York's bid solely on the charms of the host city.  A number of IOC officials said that pigs would fly over Jerusalem before George Bush's America hosted another Olympic Games.

Aware that the United States's reputation may be tarnished in the eyes of a few by its brazen violation of international law at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, its continued insistence on its untrammeled right to melt the icecaps and its parsimonious refusal to share even a tiny morsel of its immense wealth with the suffering poor of Africa, the New York Olympic Committee wheeled out the "heavy artillery" in its effort to burnish the image of the U.S. of A.

Thanks to Bloomberg's efforts, the IOC was treated to a dignified video audience with President [Surely, Vice President? – Ed.] Dick Cheney, live from his Fortress of Solitude. "If we don't get the Olympics," the soft-spoken Cheney told the Committee, "you're going to be one sorry bunch of f*****rs."

His forceful presentation was echoed by seasoned diplomat John Bolton, who told the IOC that it was "our way or the highway." Displaying his usual mordant wit, Bolton mused aloud whether the United States would be forced to "liberate" the countries represented by IOC members who declined to back the U.S. Olympic bid.

The good news, if any there be, is that the citizens of New York are bearing up under the undoubtedly crushing disappointment of not hosting fifty thousand athletes and five hundred thousand chubby white men using the Olympics to sell air time, razor blades and insurance scams.

One Bronx resident, interviewed outside putative Olympic venue Yankee Stadium, commented: "I don't know nothin' about no f***** Olympics. Hey bitch, want to buy this handbag? Only ten bucks."

In Flushing Meadow, where Bloomberg had proposed to build another taxpayer-financed gift to the New York Mets to replace the tinny facility paid for by a previous generation of suckers, a local man told the Spy: "What? You've got to be kidding me. Already you can't get on the LIE. And the Grand Central?  No way. Van Wyck?  Forget about it.  Don't get me started about the BQE."

Reached for comment, Mayor Michael Bloomberg was philosophical: "I suppose we could always spend the money fixing up antiquated schools and building affordable housing. Just kidding – I'm sure we'll be able to flush billions of public money down some other rat hole. That reminds me, we've still got 122 floors of office space available in Freedom Tower."