---

Volume CCXXXV, Number 86   July 22, 2005 

---

That explains it

SANTORUM'S RANT
DUE TO POLLUTION
IN PITTSBURGH

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Political pundits, long mystified by the bizarre and insane ravings of Pennsylvania's junior Senator, Rick Sanatorium [Surely, Santorum? – Ed.], have finally ascertained a possible explanation for this baffling phenomenon.

Santorum's grip on reality, increasingly loose in recent years, failed completely when he attempted to blame the sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on Boston-area liberals, to wit: "While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

Sen. Birdland did not identify the defective political thoughts or social values that led to sex abuse scandals in the Catholic dioceses of Los Angeles, Spokane, Dallas, Cincinnati, Tucson, or Sacramento (the latter five being well-known hotbeds of liberalism). Of course, he didn't have to: once the cuckoo comes out of the clock for the thirteenth time, it doesn't make much difference what song he sings an hour later.

While some have suggested that his comments merely reflect a desire to toss some red meat to the hard-right peanut gallery, most Washington hands believe that the comments were too stupid and bigoted even for that wrecking crew [How can that be? – Ed.] .

Late last week, a team of epidemiologists from the Harvard School of Public Health suggested a more plausible explanation for Santorum's mental breakdown: mercury poisoning.

According to the Harvard research, Santorum spent many years in and around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, formerly home to America's steel industry. After decades of air, ground and water pollution spewing out of Pittsburgh's blast furnaces, undisturbed by lax Republican environmental protection, Pittsburghers are up to their ears in a toxic stew of heavy metals, including mercury and cadmium.

"Insanity is an all-too-common outgrowth of unchecked mercury pollution, and Santorum is apparently just the latest victim," according to the Harvard report. "In fact, mercury levels in the greater Pittsburgh area are so high it's amazing that the populace can form complete sentences."

As further evidence of the gruesome physical and mental toll that such pollution has taken along the Allegheny and Monogahela, the Harvard report cites the collapse of the once-formidable Pittsburgh Pirates, the inability of the Steelers to beat the New England Patriots in championship games and Richard Mellon Scaife, the scary hard-right financier and propagandist.

The Harvard Report urged that the citizens of Massachusetts, instead of excoriating Santorum for his ignorant and base efforts to politicize a terrible human tragedy, regard him and his fellow Pittsburghers with sympathy:  "Unless he can get those toxic metals out of his system, he's really not responsible for anything he says or does."

The Harvard public health team will now turn its attention to the effects of decades of petrochemical pollution on the hapless nitwits of Houston, Texas.