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Volume CCXXXV, Number 88   August 8, 2005 

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BUSH CRASHES
BUT POLICIES
ESCAPES HARM

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It's being called the Miracle on the Potomac: although George Bush has crashed and burned in the polls, his policies have escaped unscathed.

In some of the stormiest political weather that old Washington hands have remembered, the Bush Administration has cratered and burst into flames, with approval ratings that have landed in the high 30's. While accident investigators are still assessing the cause of the catastrophe, a few theories have begun to emerge from the wreckage:

• the wear and tear of an endless bloody war in Iraq, combined with the electorate's stress-related fatigue as their poorly-trained relatives continued to be consumed in the Iraqi inferno with no end in sight.
   
• the increasing drag of unaffordable or absent health insurance on the well-being of the 45,000,000 Americans without health insurance.
  
  
• the adverse environment caused by unchecked global warming and reckless energy policies intended only to maximize short-term fuel consumption.
  
  
• suspicions of sabotage of America's national security apparatus at the hands of Bush Administration hatchet men like Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.
  
  
• an utter lack of situational awareness on the part of key administration navigators such as Donald Rumsfeld, who has failed to provide our troops in Iraq with needed armor and supplies while squandering billions on worthless weapons such as the missile "defense" system and three separate, unneeded fighter planes.
  
  
• the inability of the pilot, George W. Bush, to make necessary course deviations even as it has become clear that tax cuts for the rich and heavy defense spending have caused U.S.Government finances to impact the ground.

Despite the massive destruction caused by the crash of the Bush Administration, almost all of the President's policies have managed to crawl from the wreckage intact. In a remarkable, if not miraculous, story of political survival, these policies remain alive and well.

To take just a few examples, the following presidential policies have been declared to be in good health and fully functional: the counterproductive war in Iraq, giveaways to major energy companies, budget-breaking tax cuts for the wealthy elite, stonewalling efforts to combat global warming and illegal detentions and torture.

A few initiatives were slightly injured but appear to ready to return to normal life, including packing the Supreme Court with stealth reactionaries approved by the radical right and alienating our allies by sending extremist blowhards to represent the United States in key international forums.

The tales of political survival have puzzled experts, who had expected a heavy casualty toll from the utter destruction of the Administration.  However, others point to emergency evacuation procedures that have been successfully used to protect Bush programs from Democratic attack.

Said one White House insider: "We just tell the media that we're in a national emergency and the Democrats immediately evacuate.  We can get the Democrats to fill their pantalones and collapse on any major issue within 50 seconds of declaring it to be part of the global war on terrorism."

In response, Sen. Joe Biden (D - Credit cards) said: "We have to maintain a pragmatic, principled opposition except on matters relating to the Global War on Terrorism. Then it's – uh, oh, will you excuse me, it must be the bean soup I had for lunch." Sen. Joe Liberman (D - Ariel Sharon) commented: "While I have my differences with the Administration, right now I have to change my pants."

On vacation in Crawford, Texas, President Bush himself was reported to be safe on his two-wheeler.