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Volume CCXXXV, Number 90   August 24, 2005 

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SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION

In this issue, we are pleased to present another fair and balanced sponsored article, this time paid for with your tax dollars (well, actually, your grandchildren's). The following was prepared as a public service by the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Life Balance.

An important fitness message from President George W. Bush
as told to Karen Hughes

Hi y'all. This is your President, the one you re-elected just last year because he kept you safe from terror. I've got sompin' mighty important to talk to you good folks about. A lot of you good people understand how important it is to be physically fit. But some folks, well, they just don't get it. So let me say it again and again and again. It's important to get exercise. John Roberts tol' me he worked out every day, and that's why I put 'em on the Supreme Court. Saddam Hussein never broke a sweat and look where he is today.

Regular exercise is a part of a balanced life. That's why I work out every day, no matter how hectic my day might be. It keeps me from gettin' down on myself or from pickin' up a few too many beers. Just kiddin' – I don't touch the stuff anymore ever since I found Jesus. And my 18-speed mountain bike. After I work up a good sweat on my bike or clearin' all that brush I got on my ranch, I'm a new man, ready to bring democracy to Iraq. Iran, too.

Lemme give you a few examples. You know, I got lots of problems every day, and if I just sat around and worried myself sick about 'em, I don't know how I could keep goin'. [Bolivian marching powder? – Ed.] Here's a list of some of the stuff goin' on. A lot of it happened just last week as I was trying to relax here on my ranch. Then you can see how I handled all this stressful stuff and why I feel so great.

What happened		What I did
Some pinko lady from California wanted to waste my time because her son died in Iraq		Bike ride
Americans aren't buying my plan to cut their Social Security benefits		Bike ride
A terrorist Cessna headed toward the White House		Bike ride
Alaska is burning to a crisp and the glaciers are melting from global warming		Bike ride
It's now clear that Iraq can't succeed as a democracy, so 1,900 Americans died for nothing		Bike ride
My tax cuts and budget policies will lead to a $10 trillion national debt after I leave the White House		Bike ride

See how easy that was? Next time you got sompin' that's botherin' you and you don't know what you can do about it, don't let it get you down. Do as I do: ride your bike. Thank you, and God bless America.