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Volume CCXXXV, Number 95   September 24, 2005 

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Dispatches from the disaster fronts:

TECHNOLOGY
MAY AID IN
EVACUATIONS

By Geoffrey Dawson and David Bloviator
of the Board of Editors

HOUSTON, Texas – Millions of Texas loaded their shotguns into their SUV's this week to flee Hurricane Rita – and promptly sat in massive traffic jams until they ran out of gas or burst into flames.

The latest evacuation fiasco has some defense contractors, not all of whom are represented by former FEMA supremo and Bush bagman Joe Allbaugh, proposing a bold new plan to aid hurricane evacuations.

Using a $100 million slush fund [Surely, earmark? – Ed.] slipped into the recent energy bill by Rep. Tom "the Unindicted Exterminator" DeLay (R – Abramoff), a consortium led by Boeing and Halliburton has offered to design a new evacuation system that would entirely avoid the fifty-mile traffic jams that have paralyzed the Texas coast.

The consortium envisions a 10-year $100 billion pilot program to build two evacuation systems in Galveston and New Orleans capable of moving hundreds of thousands of individuals in a 24-hour period while keeping highways clear for vital public services and network [Surely, repair? – Ed.] crews. Boeing officials boasted that the cost was kept down because it was able to leverage technology salvaged from a Reagan Administration fiasco [Surely, initiative? – Ed.] involving the placement of ballistic missiles on 100-mile tracks.

According to the preliminary proposal, evacuees would be whisked out of threatened cities on smooth, fast, air-conditioned cars, each as big as two buses, linked together to form what the consortium calls a "train." The long lines of linked cars would be pulled by one or two engines or "locomotives" burning ordinary diesel fuel.

KATRINA'S MISSING Sponsored by the National Center for Missing, Exploited or Abused Republicans

Grover Norquist. Has been missing since Hurricane Katrina hit. Pasty complexion; dorky beard. Known for threatening to drown government in bathtub. Feared drowned in New Orleans bathtub. If found please return to Jack Abramoff or nearest U.S. Attorney's Office.

Michael Brown. Answers to name "Brownie." Disappeared shortly after storm. May have fled to Washington, D.C. area or Margaritaville on the back of an Arabian horse. Subject reputedly unable to care for self.

Colin Powell. Nationwide search on for light-complected black male believed to be willing to appear in public with George Bush. $50,000 reward for information leading to his apprehension. Contact Karl Rove, White House. NO PHOTO AVAILABLE.

These trains would in turn run on dedicated narrow roadbeds constructed not of asphalt or concrete, but on twin steel rails resting on a bed of gravel. "The advantages of this technology are evident," said consortium chief E.H. Harriman.

"First, one single right of way of steel rails would be no more than 10 feet wide and could accommodate up to 10 'trains' an hour, each carrying between 1,500 and 2,000 evacuees. Had this system been in place before Katrina, the 100,000 unfortunates left behind in New Orleans could have been evacuated in about six hours," Harriman explained.

"Because the cars are pulled by a single giant 'locomotive,' the 'trains' can make their way through up to four feet of flood waters," he added.

Reaction to the Boeing-Halliburton proposal on Capitol Hill was mixed. "At first I thought this was another stupid liberal program to throw money at a problem, money that could better be used giving a tax break to the heirs of dead millionaires," DeLay said.

"Once my close friend Jack Abramoff told me that it would in fact generate billions in profits for Boeing and Halliburton, I realized I had judged it too hastily," he continued.

However, Alaska Rep. Don Young (R – Bridge to Nowhere) warned he could not possibly support the initiative unless it contemplated a system that would link Juneau, Alaska to evacuation sites in Fairbanks, a mere 1,200 miles away.

Asked about his view on the program, President Bush gulped, shook his head and said: "This is a big storm.  This is a very big storm. It's gonna rain. And it'll wind, too."

In unrelated developments on Capitol Hill today, House Republicans voted to fund Katrina relief by cutting off all funding for Amtrak, the national passenger railroad corporation, terming it "the worst example of failed social engineering since Social Security."