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Volume CCXXXV, Number 96   October 1, 2005 

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The Spy goes to a party!

On the town with the new Chief Justice

By Bella Winer,
Lifestyle Editor
with Scott V. Sandiford,
Justice Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C., September 29 – Just hours after the Senate voted to confirm him as the Chief Justice of the United States, John "Squiggy" Roberts let down his combover and took off on a wild crawl through some of the capital's hottest and edgiest nightspots.

The moveable feast began at a bar on Capitol Hill only a block from the Supreme Court. Thus it was no surprise that Roberts and his entourage of handsome blond "associates" were joined by his new colleagues Nino Scalia and Clarence Thomas. "One thing about ol' Clarence," Roberts announced as he slammed a C-note on the bar, "he knows how to party. Isn't that right, homeboy?"

"Back at you, squigmeister," Thomas shot back before returning to his signature Coke and Courvoisier.  

"Keep that Grey Goose coming," Roberts told the bartender. He turned to the athletic blond man sitting next to him, whom he introduced only as Bruce, and whispered: "Abramoff's paying."

Roberts, clearly relaxed and pleased by his confirmation, queried the circle of strapping young man around him: "OK, who wants to clerk for me?  There'll be a lot of long nights, just me and my clerks working hand in glove in a darkened Supreme Court building.  Who's up for it?" When the din had subsided he said: "Keep in mind that my clerks must have trained at only the most elite institutions. Now who here graduated from Bendover?"

Surrounded by admirers, Roberts recounted how he buffaloed the Senate Judiciary Committee: "Could you believe those lame-o's?  Letting me get away without telling them whether I would vote to uphold Roe v. Wade?  The first thing I'm going to abort is that damn case!"

"Remember when that old fat fool Ted Kennedy asked me about a woman's right to an abortion? You know what I should have told him: Senator, I'll drive off that bridge when I come to it!"

Roberts, after ordering and downing a double Scotch, leaned over to his new colleague Clarence Thomas. "Hey, Clarence, check out the white chicks, you horndog!  Need a pubic hair?"

To show that he meant no offense, Roberts draped an arm over Justice Thomas and said: "Clarence, good thing Griswold came out the way it did or you and Bill Clinton would still be paying off the paternity suits from Yale Law School!"

As the evening wore on, Scalia and Thomas, accompanied by two striking young women in short skirts and stiletto heels, vanished into the night. "Now the party can begin!" the new Chief Justice roared.

Roberts led his entourage back into the street, where they piled into taxis and headed off to a raucous nightspot just off Dupont Circle called the Inky Winker. Once inside the club, Roberts yanked off his tie and draped it around his forehead. He doffed his suitcoat and whipped it into the largely male crowd. "Now we can funkify," he announced.

Reaching into his pocket, he peeled a crisp hundred from an impressive wad and jammed the bill down the pants of a young man he referred to as "Raoul," telling the lad: "Go buy a sheep and send it to David Souter. Tell him it's from me and Ruth Ginsburg."

Asked what he thought of Justice Ginsburg, a stalwart supporter of women's rights, Roberts only rolled his eyes and said: "I wouldn't **** her with Tony Kennedy's ****."

Roberts then shimmied on to the dance floor, wedged between a well-muscled soldier in uniform who bore an amusing resemblance to Jeff Gannon, and another man dressed up as Condoleezza Rice. Half an hour later, he returned, drenched in sweat, his white Brooks Brothers shirt ripped to shreds, clutching a half-empty bottle of vintage Taittinger, which he proceeded to kill in one long swallow.

"Nothing left of this bottle," he told the crowd. "Just like Congress's power under the commerce clause by the time I'm finished with it!"

As the evening wore into the wee hours, a portly man dressed as Karl Rove wearing nothing but a thong asked Roberts if it was time for the new Chief Justice to go home to his wife. Roberts said nothing and then the two burst into peals of wild laughter. Motioning for another champagne bottle, Roberts roared: "I'll go home as soon as Tom goes home to Katie!"